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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Umpire Disgusted By Catcher, Batter Flirting With Each Other

CLEVELAND—Following Tuesday night's game between the Twins and the Indians, home-plate umpire Sam Holbrook told reporters he was "getting nauseous" while watching Twins catcher Joe Mauer and Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore playfully giggle, tease, and brush up against each another during Sizemore's at bats. "Get a room," said Holbrook, who imitated the players with cartoonishly high-pitched voices and then pretended to vomit. "At one point, [Sizemore] called a time-out so he could stare into [Mauer's] eyes. That's not baseball. Plus, it's just plain gross." In a press conference after the game, Twins manager Ron Gardenhire spoke out on behalf of Mauer and Sizemore and claimed that flirting with your opponents "is and has always been part of the game."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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