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Umpire's Perfect Game Goes Completely Unnoticed

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Umpire's Perfect Game Goes Completely Unnoticed

SEATTLE—Mariner fans unknowingly witnessed history Monday when veteran umpire Tony Candeleo became only the 11th umpire in major-league history to call a perfect officiating game, not missing a single strike, ball, or contested out for nine straight innings. "I was worried that one of the fans or players might jinx Tony by saying something to him, but then I realized that nobody had any clue what was happening," said first-base umpire Brian Gorman, noting the fans' muted response to Candeleo's flawless ball-three call in the sixth, their failure to react when he noted the double switch in the seventh, and the home crowd booing Candeleo's level-headed refusal to overrule a check-swing call against Ichiro Suzuki in the eighth. "I hope everyone who was confused as to why we screamed and piled on top of Tony after the final out now understands our reason for doing that." As of press time, the Hall of Fame had not called Candeleo to ask for any keepsakes from the game.

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