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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Umpire's Perfect Game Goes Completely Unnoticed

SEATTLE—Mariner fans unknowingly witnessed history Monday when veteran umpire Tony Candeleo became only the 11th umpire in major-league history to call a perfect officiating game, not missing a single strike, ball, or contested out for nine straight innings. "I was worried that one of the fans or players might jinx Tony by saying something to him, but then I realized that nobody had any clue what was happening," said first-base umpire Brian Gorman, noting the fans' muted response to Candeleo's flawless ball-three call in the sixth, their failure to react when he noted the double switch in the seventh, and the home crowd booing Candeleo's level-headed refusal to overrule a check-swing call against Ichiro Suzuki in the eighth. "I hope everyone who was confused as to why we screamed and piled on top of Tony after the final out now understands our reason for doing that." As of press time, the Hall of Fame had not called Candeleo to ask for any keepsakes from the game.

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