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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon

The U.N. Headquarters in New York has flags from all over the world and enough uranium to wipe Israel off the map.
The U.N. Headquarters in New York has flags from all over the world and enough uranium to wipe Israel off the map.

NEW YORK—The United Nations, a highly organized governing body bent on world peace, has obtained a nuclear warhead and intends to use the dangerous device to pursue its radical human rights agenda, sources reported Monday.

News of the nuclear weapon first surfaced late last week when the United Nation's own watchdog group, the International Atomic Energy Agency, released startling new satellite photos of the uranium-based device. Shortly thereafter, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon issued a short and brazen list of demands, calling on all nations to "bow down at once to social progress."

"Tremble before the awesome might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives," said Ban, boldly holding a stack of diplomatic resolutions in his hand. "At last, when the United Nations calls for the development of more sustainable agricultural practices, the world at large will listen."

Added Ban, "We will no longer be ignored."

The warhead, an Oralloy U-235 thermonuclear detonator encased in a long-range ballistic missile, is believed to be currently housed beneath the parking lot of the U.N. complex in New York. According to Pentagon officials, it is likely that the United Nations has already tested the weapon, and may in fact be prepared to deploy it if its demands for global harmony are not met.

"All efforts are being made to engage this nationless threat in diplomatic talks, but so far, they remain uncooperative," U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said. "However, I can assure you that the United States will not be pushed around. We will not be bullied into limiting our carbon-dioxide emissions or honoring the conditions established by the Geneva Conventions. The United States will not bend."

Speaking at a press conference Tuesday, President Bush echoed Chertoff's sentiments.

"This rogue group of unbiased mediators will not be tolerated," said Bush, who has promised to continue his eight-year pledge not to negotiate with the United Nations under any circumstances. "If the U.N. thinks it can force the world to appreciate the equality of all people and their right to live free of poverty, hunger, and inhumane treatment, I say to them, 'Bring it on.'"

While no country has admitted to selling enriched uranium to the United Nations, experts claimed that acquiring the necessary materials was probably fairly easy, as the U.N.'s own Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty has been largely disregarded since being signed in 1968.

"The Russians, the Israelis, a rogue Pakistani arms trader—there are plenty of people out there who could have done it," said Katherine Boushie, a world politics professor at Columbia University. "After all, who knows better than the United Nations where someone can find nukes? They've spent years watching nation after nation illegally stockpile arms. Might have been what pissed them off, actually."

Despite outspoken concerns from many nations, including North Korea, Iran, and Serbia, Secretary-General Ban has assured the international community that the U.N.'s nuclear arsenal will only be used for deterrent purposes. Chief among these is deterring other countries from thinking they can sign a chemical weapons ban and then act like the whole thing never happened, and coming to the U.N. only when it's convenient or profitable for them to do so.

"I will say this as clearly as I can, so you all can hear me," said Ban, his finger hovering inches away from the small red button on his podium. "Either attend the next Follow-up International Conference on Financing for Development to Review the Implementation of the Monterrey Consensus, or prepare to suffer the consequences."

Many, however, refuse to be intimidated by the peacekeeping organization's threats.

"They're bluffing," Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said. "The United Nations is still 15 years away from a nuclear bomb. Hell, they're 20 years away from achieving universal primary school education, and knowing them, they'll probably focus on that first."

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