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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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U.N. Address Ends In Tragedy As Ahmadinejad Suffers Third Degree Burns From Malfunctioning Pyrotechnics

NEW YORK—Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's highly anticipated annual address to the U.N. General Assembly ended in tragedy today when an onstage pyrotechnics mishap left the Iranian president with third-degree burns covering 40 percent of his body. Soon after ascending the podium amidst flashing lights and the blaring strains of AC/DC's "Hell’s Bells," the 54-year-old leader was seen protectively cradling his head as a massive fountain of brightly colored sparks exploded directly into his face. "We tried to warn him that our venue was not suited to this kind of display, but he was insistent," U.N. facilities manager Gary Shepard said. "And the pyrotechnicians were supposed to hold off on the larger fireworks until Mr. Ahmadinejad got to his big finish about Israel." Assembled dignitaries agreed they had not witnessed such a grave disaster since 1997, when Kofi Annan’s aerial rigging snapped and sent the secretary-general careening into the delegation from Bulgaria, killing eight.

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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

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