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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

U.N. Agency Says 2012 Celebrities Hottest On Record

The U.N. entertainment agency says evidence of rising celebrity hotness is increasingly apparent.
The U.N. entertainment agency says evidence of rising celebrity hotness is increasingly apparent.

HELSINKI—In a report released Thursday at the United Nations pop culture summit in Finland, a consortium of leading entertainment scientists confirmed that the year 2012 has witnessed the hottest celebrities in recorded history.

Citing evidence such as dangerously hot celebrity beach bodies, steadily rising chemistry between sizzling-hot megastars, and a myriad of extreme, record-breaking blockbuster movie events, the U.N. group claimed the overall hotness of celebrities worldwide is increasing at a staggering rate, with many specific celebrities reported to be “so on fire right now it’s scary.”

“We are seeing an unmistakable pattern: Celebrities across the world are extremely hot, and they are only getting hotter,” said U.N. entertainment agency director Michael Carver, who confirmed that 2012’s celebrities were more gorgeous and charming than those in any year since data on hotness was first collected in 1955. “The chance that natural variability produced such an unprecedented slew of good-looking superstars is vanishingly small.”

Data shows the overall hotness of actors, actresses, singers, and reality TV stars has risen dramatically in the past few decades.

The peer-reviewed study, which reportedly reflected a “broad consensus” among the scientific community, indicated that celebrity hotness has soared in the past century, with nine of the 10 sexiest years in history all occurring in the past decade.

According the report, after briefly leveling off in the mid-1980s, the world’s celebrities have become inexorably hotter ever since, a phenomenon that has led to 2012 becoming the hottest year ever.

“Of course, you don’t need complex statistical models to understand how hot today’s celebrities are becoming when the evidence is all around us—just look at them,” said Carver, emphasizing that the freakishly large number of red-carpet events, album releases, and exclusive interviews was “not a coincidence, but rather part of a long-term trend.” “In just a few years, we’ve seen the abrupt emergence of Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling, and Alexander Skarsgård, among hundreds of other absolute knockouts. You would have to be blind to deny that today’s celebrities are hotter than they’ve ever been before.”

“The mega-celebrities we have warned about for years are here,” he added. “And they are hot.”

Citing “overwhelming evidence,” the scientists went on to suggest that the present rate of increase in celebrity hotness was unsustainable, and urged leaders to pursue alternative entertainment sources in an effort to curb it.

While some commentators believe the increasing hotness of modern celebrities is a myth, the U.N. dismissed these arguments as “fringe beliefs,” encouraging skeptics to “take one look at Andrew Garfield or Natalie Portman,” both of whom the study concluded were “scorching.”

“As the world’s leading producer of celebrities, the United States is responsible for much of the spike,” said fashion analyst Dr. Jessica Dominguez, who noted that ravishing mega-celebrities such as Mila Kunis were capable of captivating huge swaths of the globe at a time. “But make no mistake: Celebrities are getting hotter everywhere, from India’s Priyanka Chopra to South Korea’s Kim Hyun-a. If the current data are accurate, it will soon be impossible to forestall the ever-rising hotness of celebrities worldwide.”

Unfortunately, even if the present trend subsides in the near future, researchers anticipate that the devastatingly hot celebrities of the 21st century may have already caused far-reaching, irreversible damage to the earth’s blogosphere.

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