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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

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Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

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End Of Section
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U.N. Agency Says 2012 Celebrities Hottest On Record

The U.N. entertainment agency says evidence of rising celebrity hotness is increasingly apparent.
The U.N. entertainment agency says evidence of rising celebrity hotness is increasingly apparent.

HELSINKI—In a report released Thursday at the United Nations pop culture summit in Finland, a consortium of leading entertainment scientists confirmed that the year 2012 has witnessed the hottest celebrities in recorded history.

Citing evidence such as dangerously hot celebrity beach bodies, steadily rising chemistry between sizzling-hot megastars, and a myriad of extreme, record-breaking blockbuster movie events, the U.N. group claimed the overall hotness of celebrities worldwide is increasing at a staggering rate, with many specific celebrities reported to be “so on fire right now it’s scary.”

“We are seeing an unmistakable pattern: Celebrities across the world are extremely hot, and they are only getting hotter,” said U.N. entertainment agency director Michael Carver, who confirmed that 2012’s celebrities were more gorgeous and charming than those in any year since data on hotness was first collected in 1955. “The chance that natural variability produced such an unprecedented slew of good-looking superstars is vanishingly small.”

Data shows the overall hotness of actors, actresses, singers, and reality TV stars has risen dramatically in the past few decades.

The peer-reviewed study, which reportedly reflected a “broad consensus” among the scientific community, indicated that celebrity hotness has soared in the past century, with nine of the 10 sexiest years in history all occurring in the past decade.

According the report, after briefly leveling off in the mid-1980s, the world’s celebrities have become inexorably hotter ever since, a phenomenon that has led to 2012 becoming the hottest year ever.

“Of course, you don’t need complex statistical models to understand how hot today’s celebrities are becoming when the evidence is all around us—just look at them,” said Carver, emphasizing that the freakishly large number of red-carpet events, album releases, and exclusive interviews was “not a coincidence, but rather part of a long-term trend.” “In just a few years, we’ve seen the abrupt emergence of Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling, and Alexander Skarsgård, among hundreds of other absolute knockouts. You would have to be blind to deny that today’s celebrities are hotter than they’ve ever been before.”

“The mega-celebrities we have warned about for years are here,” he added. “And they are hot.”

Citing “overwhelming evidence,” the scientists went on to suggest that the present rate of increase in celebrity hotness was unsustainable, and urged leaders to pursue alternative entertainment sources in an effort to curb it.

While some commentators believe the increasing hotness of modern celebrities is a myth, the U.N. dismissed these arguments as “fringe beliefs,” encouraging skeptics to “take one look at Andrew Garfield or Natalie Portman,” both of whom the study concluded were “scorching.”

“As the world’s leading producer of celebrities, the United States is responsible for much of the spike,” said fashion analyst Dr. Jessica Dominguez, who noted that ravishing mega-celebrities such as Mila Kunis were capable of captivating huge swaths of the globe at a time. “But make no mistake: Celebrities are getting hotter everywhere, from India’s Priyanka Chopra to South Korea’s Kim Hyun-a. If the current data are accurate, it will soon be impossible to forestall the ever-rising hotness of celebrities worldwide.”

Unfortunately, even if the present trend subsides in the near future, researchers anticipate that the devastatingly hot celebrities of the 21st century may have already caused far-reaching, irreversible damage to the earth’s blogosphere.

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