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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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U.N. Aid Workers Distributing Food To Malnourished KFC Customers

FOREST LAKE, MN—Responding to an ongoing humanitarian crisis, U.N. aid workers reportedly descended on a local KFC Wednesday to deliver much-needed food to the restaurant’s critically malnourished customers. “In all my years in the field, I’ve never come across a group of people who have gone so long without a proper meal,” said U.N. humanitarian affairs director Gloria Dominguez, confirming that aid workers had distributed whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and other vital nutrients to patrons of the KFC location. “We’re doing everything we can, but conditions on the ground here are desperate. In addition to their pervasive malnutrition, these people clearly don’t have access to suitable sanitary facilities, and the stench is almost unbearable. It really breaks your heart.” Dominguez noted that other U.N. aid operations in the area include a teen-pregnancy prevention program at a local Dairy Queen and a dysentery-outbreak clinic at a nearby White Castle.

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