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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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U.N. Evicted From Headquarters

'Disgusting' World Organization Illegally Housing 268 Feral Cats, Say City Officials

The U.N. General Assembly room, as it appeared when health officials entered the premises.
The U.N. General Assembly room, as it appeared when health officials entered the premises.

NEW YORK—Citing squalid conditions "unfit for human habitation," the New York City Department of Health confirmed Tuesday that the United Nations had been evicted from its Manhattan headquarters for numerous safety code violations, including harboring more than 250 feral cats.

"After entering the U.N. headquarters early Tuesday morning, we quickly determined that the property was unlivable by any reasonable sanitary standard," said city health official George Garcia, whose team inspected the dilapidated building following complaints from neighbors of an overwhelming foul odor and the constant noise of mewling cats. "The fecal ammonia content in the air was approaching toxic levels, and the staggering volume of cat excrement in the Security Council Chamber alone suggests the occupants had been housing these animals for over a decade."

City health officials say neighboring residents have asked them to do something about the run-down U.N. building for years.

"They'd blacked out all the windows with world flags, too, so I don't think they'd seen much natural light in a while," Garcia added.

Reports filed by the Health Department revealed that the building's corridors posed a significant fire hazard, having been cluttered with thousands of empty cat food tins, old telephone books, and piles of yellowing nuclear-disarmament resolutions dating back to the 1950s, all of which were heavily soiled with cat dander and urine.

City officials were also struggling to find shelters for dozens of filth-covered diplomats, many of whom could barely speak a word of English but appeared to have spent years amid the squalor.

"The delegations from all 192 nations had apparently been sleeping on a bunch of dirty mattresses strewn across the trash-covered atrium floor," social services worker Leah Immelman said. "It seems they'd been delivering emergency food rations to themselves for years, so there was really no need for them to ever leave the premises."

Though the building's electricity had been shut off last November, authorities discovered an extension cord running across the length of the property to the nearby Ford Foundation, from which U.N. officials were able to steal electricity to power several lamps, a single space heater, and a satellite uplink to Darfur.

Sources also confirmed reports that a morbidly obese Greek ambassador, who had been confined to his reclining chair since the Israel-Lebanon ceasefire vote of 2006, was removed from the premises by cutting a hole in the second story wall of his office.

Property owner Sal Fantuzzo said he had long questioned whether his tenants had productive livelihoods, since they had never managed to fully catch up on rent payments since the early 1990s, after their costly, failed campaign to stop the genocide in Bosnia.

"They were strange people, I can tell you that much," said the 58-year-old landlord, who claimed that Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon never opened the door more than a crack when Fantuzzo stopped by, and always wore the same dirty robe and slippers regardless of the hour. "Ban would make up excuses why he couldn't let me inside. He'd say he was sick or he was in the middle of delicate sanction negotiations or some other thing."

"And I could hear those damn cats through the door, but he always insisted it was just the TV," Fantuzzo added.

For many who were appalled by the U.N.'s overgrown, refuse-strewn 18-acre grounds, news of the organization's eviction has come as a welcome surprise.

"I've been in the place before, and believe me, it is utterly disgusting," said Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whose extended rant at U.N. headquarters in 2009 focused largely on the foulness of the building's restrooms. "When I have to attend, I always take a long shower immediately afterward to get that nauseating stench off me."

"They should really just tear the place down," Ahmadinejad added.

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