U.N. Report On Magical Realism Warns Of Increased Incidences Of Women’s Tears Flooding The Entire World

Top Headlines


Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America

Strategies To Defeat ISIS

Following last week’s deadly Paris attacks and numerous other violent incidents perpetrated by the terror group ISIS, many governments and populations worldwide are wondering how we can eliminate this threat. Here are some strategies to defeat the Islamic State:

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Goals Of The U.N. General Assembly

The 70th United Nations General Assembly takes place this week, with member countries focusing on plans to address global sustainability, economic growth, and the Syrian refugee crisis, among other major topics. Here are the main goals of this year’s assembly:

Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary

Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit

A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views

Pope Francis has garnered much international attention in the first two and a half years of his papacy, taking a more liberal approach to women’s issues, the family unit, and the environment than his predecessors. Here is a primer on prominent global issues and the pope’s views on them:

Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed.

Why Westerners Join ISIS

With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Here are some reasons these people might want to ally with ISIS

Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having ...

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts

How China Stifles Dissent

Recent clashes with pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong have refocused international scrutiny on the Chinese government’s efforts to quell social unrest and silence demonstrators.

Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War

WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war. Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...

Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following Scotland’s referendum Thursday rejecting independence from the United Kingdom, sources confirmed that a protracted and ugly custody battle over celebrated actor Sir Ian McKellen had been narrowly avoided.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



U.N. Report On Magical Realism Warns Of Increased Incidences Of Women’s Tears Flooding The Entire World

In addition to flooding caused by a grieving young widow, the U.N. warns the world’s air could forever smell of gardenias, the very flowers worn in her hair on her wedding day.
In addition to flooding caused by a grieving young widow, the U.N. warns the world’s air could forever smell of gardenias, the very flowers worn in her hair on her wedding day.

NEW YORK—Warning that such occurrences pose a grave threat to the global economy and millions of human lives, a report presented Thursday at a United Nations summit on magical realism highlights an alarming increase in incidences in which the whole world is completely flooded by the tears of a grieving woman.

The U.N. paper states that these fantastic and potentially catastrophic events, in which a woman unleashes an endless torrent of tears over her deceased husband or the sting of unrequited love, may raise global sea levels by as much as 30 centimeters by the year 2050, which according to projections could lead to widespread coastal erosion and leave many of the world’s largest cities—including New York, Mumbai, and Jakarta—at least partially underwater.

“The bitter tears of forlorn women flowing for seven years without ceasing is a grave global threat that we can no longer afford to ignore,” said U.N. magical realism expert Dr. Adam Weber, noting that a devastating increase in soil salinity and a corresponding spike in grain prices can be linked to episodes in which a young bride, and then her mother, all of her sisters, and her aunts, begin to cry after the family’s most beloved son is taken away and raised by the wealthy but cruel landowners in the valley below. “Should these sorrowful individuals continue in their lamentation, particularly when they see their lost love’s face reflected in the changua soup they are preparing, our research predicts mass global flooding that displaces hundreds of millions of people living in low-lying coastal areas, putting pressure on already finite natural resources and causing untold trillions of U.S. dollars in lost GDP.”

“In fact, if just one more iron-hearted matriarch forbids her granddaughter from marrying the farmhand she most deeply loves, computer models project that nearly 35 percent of the world’s arable land will ultimately be awash with tears as she calls out for her dear Emilio,” he continued.

The startling and strongly worded report was coauthored by dozens of prominent researchers, all of whom have reportedly charted the global impact of magical realist phenomena since the 1950s, when such events first began gaining international prominence with the mystical occurrences in the remote village of Milflores, Colombia, in which every woman became pregnant for 99 months and all of the men were struck with battle scars without ever having fought in any war.

According to Weber, the research team cataloged many locations and industries that have already suffered harm from a staggering escalation of such fantastical circumstances in recent years, citing in particular roving gypsy guitarists who, by strumming a single chord, plunge the daytime sky into night; vast orchards that suddenly bear cold-to-the-touch stones instead of lemons; and entire rural populations that could not speak for a year, but could only sing as beautiful birds. Specifically, U.N. officials warned of the widespread deterioration of residential structures caused by flurries of snow falling from bedroom ceilings whenever an old woman recalls the cold winter night on which she was deflowered so many years ago.

Furthermore, the report noted a startling increase in the number of infatuated young women who bake loaves of bread for their true loves and simultaneously cause the earth itself to rise beneath their feet, a geologic trend that has destroyed countless acres of farmland and buckled hundreds of bridges and roads, resulting in millions of dollars in damage.

“Consider how detrimental it is to a given economy’s labor force for its plantation overseers to disappear into the warm, midsummer fog, only to return decades later without having aged a single day—this is what we’re coping with in many localities every day,” Weber told reporters, noting that the recurrence of such wondrous events continues to have a volatile effect on the stability of the Argentine peso and the broader Latin American economy. “Furthermore, the loss of these fathers appears to lead directly to diminished education levels among a given household’s 19 sons, all of whom remain completely silent and whose piercing blue eyes fade to a dull amber until the day their beloved papá returns.”

While officials acknowledged that many of these dilemmas date back hundreds of years, to an age before the beginning of memory in which the coy earth underfoot had yet to reveal her secrets, the U.N. report presents a grave picture should such trends continue unchecked.

In particular, the report highlights the shifting regional borders, mass human migration, and continuous boiling of lakes and waterways caused by the spiteful internecine feud between the Víllánueva and De la Garza clans, recommending that international peacekeepers be deployed to suppress this violent, generations-old conflict that has caused the deaths of hundreds of sons on both sides, all of whose faces and bodies, when laid in their caskets, looked identical to that of their great-great-great-grandfather.

“Mexico is among the world’s chief contributors to the ongoing magical realist crisis, as it remains the country with the highest number of deceiving uncles whose visits to their extended families are presaged by strong, icy north winds in the middle of summer, which can damage infrastructure and sharply disrupt transcontinental weather patterns,” said U.N. analyst Alison Nguyen. “But many other countries are suffering as well, ranging from Venezuela, whose potable water supply diminishes every time a river dries up and leaves an impassable mountain range in its place, to Chile, where an entire state’s ecosystem was recently blighted by an ever-blossoming mango tree that grew thousands of feet into the clouds above the grave where Mama Rosita was buried.”

“We must act now, before the rainy season,” Nguyen added. “That’s when Mama Rosita’s temper always flared.”

Numerous experts have already identified the report’s findings as the most troubling since the U.N.’s post–World War II white paper on beat poetry, which found that mounting strife in the opium jungle could crown multiple third-world militia leaders the mighty Electric King, leaving all of us regal and none of us equal.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close