adBlockCheck

Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News

Entertainment

Unabomber Condemned by Willie Tyler, Lester

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an official ceremony held at the Justice Department Monday, ventriloquist Willie Tyler and his dummy, Lester, strongly condemned Una-bomber suspect Theodore Ka-czynski.

Famed ventriloquist Willie Tyler (right), with his "friend" Lester (left) harshly criticized Unabomber suspect Theodore Kaczynski Monday. President Clinton personally thanked the duo for their unwavering support.

The news media, Clinton administration officials, FBI agents and numerous family members of Unabomber victims were present to observe the somber public censure, which took place as part of a double header with former Phyllis Diller joke-writer Mel Habusch.

In his first set, Tyler called the terrorist acts of the Unabomber “cold, senseless acts of terror, which wrought tragedy upon the entire nation.”

Tyler then turned to Lester to ask his opinion.

“Lester,” he said, “Do you think the Unabomber is a cold, senseless killer?”

“He is indeed,” Lester said. “He is a heartless monster.”

All in attendance were both touched by the ceremony and entertained by the amusing Lester, a diminutive, bespectacled replica of Tyler.

The Unabomber is suspected of mailing or planting at least 20 bombs since the late 1970s, killing three people and causing millions of dollars in damage. His Luddite manifesto revealed a misanthropic loner who resorted to anonymous acts of terrorism to further his political agenda.

Willie Tyler is a renowned ventriloquist who, with his dummy, Lester, has performed in venues nationwide, including the Stars Ballroom in Lake Tahoe and the Bahama Hotel in Atlantic City. He has also been a frequent guest on popular television programs such as The Merv Griffin Show, The Captain and Tenille Show, and Joe Franklin’s All Star Memories.

In a touching memorial to the victims of the Unabomber, Tyler employed skillful “rapid-fire” delivery between a ventriloquist and his dummy to list the names of the victims.

“Mary Watkins,” Tyler said.

“Mary Watkins?” Lester responded incredulously.

“Judge Thomas Whallen,” Tyler said.

“Judge Thomas Whallen?” Lester dutifully repeated.

“Lester,” Tyler said, breaking the rhythm momentarily. “I’m trying to read the list of Unabomber victims.”

“Oh, then go right ahead,” Lester said.

Lester then continued to quickly interrupt Tyler after each name, seemingly unhindered by Tyler’s polite request to stop the behavior. After a fast reading of the victims’ names, the audience applauded politely.

“I am pleased to add the voices of both Willie Tyler and Lester to the chorus of condemnation leveled at the Unabomber,” President Clinton said in a statement from the White House.

“It is important that we as a society condemn the Unabomber’s horrific acts of terrorism,” FBI director Bernard Whernan said. “And it is vital that both Willie Tyler and Lester be among the leading voices of that condemnation.”

In his second set, Tyler wowed the audience by censuring the Unabomber while drinking a glass of water.

As Tyler drank, Lester appeared to speak without difficulty, saying, “These heartless acts of terror perpetrated upon America have put a permanent black mark on our history as a nation.”

Attorneys for Kaczynski reacted strongly to the condemnation.

Said defense lawyer Albert Winnman: “My client has already been tried and convicted by the American media establishment. He cannot get a fair trial. A public condemnation from Willie Tyler and Lester only makes things that much worse.”

Willie Tyler and Lester plan to take their condemnation of the Unabomber on the road. They will headline at Shecky’s Joke Barn in Omaha, NE, on Friday, May 10, and Saturday, May 11. And they will appear at The Wacky Works Comedy Showcase in Des Moines, IA, Thursday, May 16, through Sunday, May 19.

The Unabomber trial date has not yet been set.

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close