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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Unattractive Man Just Like A Brother To Area Woman

OLYMPIA, WA—Slightly paunchy, thin-haired Robert Pelton, 27, is just like a brother to area musician Tara Leland, the attractive blonde said Monday.

A 1997 photo of longtime platonic friends Pelton (left) and Leland.

"Rob is so cool," the 26-year-old Leland said. "He's just the greatest friend in the world. I love him so much!"

Pelton blushed and smiled as the statuesque Leland, dressed in a miniskirt, high boots and a tight tank top, bent over and kissed him on the cheek.

Founder of the Olympia indie label Important Records, Pelton met Leland two years ago when Leland's band, the Drama Queens, held a release party for its new seven-inch at the record store where Pelton works.

"Tara and I hit it off right away," said Pelton, who, despite his tremendous music-production skills and near-encyclopedic knowledge of '70s power pop and punk, has not had a date in over two years. "At first, we'd just talk about the music business, but then I finally got up the courage to ask her to a show."

"I'm sure glad I did, because we've been the best of friends ever since," he added.

The two spend a great deal of time together, talking on the phone for hours when Leland has had a bad day, shopping at women's shoe stores and attending Drama Queens shows, at which Pelton generally carries all the equipment to the van while Leland lets men from the club buy her drinks after her set.

While Leland's friends have never questioned the platonic nature of the relationship, Pelton's co-workers have encouraged him to "take it to the next level."

"I always tell them it's not like that between Tara and me," Pelton said. "And, besides, she's seeing Derek right now. I think we're too much alike for something like that to work, anyway."

"Perhaps, though, if it were the right time, I'd be open to seeing her romantically, I guess," said Pelton, whose skin still shows the slight scarring effects of heavy teen acne. "Because we really care about each other a lot."

According to Leland, Pelton has gone out of his way to help her music career.

"Rob has done so much for me, it's amazing," Leland said. "He's made tons of calls and gone all over the place to get people to listen to our demo. And we're really finding our voice now that Rob's been recording stuff with me on lead vocals. It's great to have someone who understands my potential."

Leland said Pelton understands her so well, he is "practically like family." But despite the deep familial bond, Pelton has on three separate occasions tried to kiss her when drunk.

Leland, however, was unfazed by the advances. "We're so close, when funny stuff like that happens every now and then it doesn't even matter," Leland said. "I'm sure he doesn't even think about it."

According to Pelton, Leland is very open, regularly sharing with him her problems, especially those concerning her unending string of hip, handsome boyfriends.

"Tara really wants to find someone she can respect," Pelton said. "She needs someone who can be her friend and confidant, as well as her lover, and that means not just some guy with a pretty face."

"The trouble is, people take Tara for granted," Pelton continued. "No one really understands her like I do."

Leland trusts Pelton so much, she often tells him in detail how much she enjoys receiving oral sex and how annoyed she is that some of some of her boyfriends are inept at providing it.

"I also know that she likes sex really hard and rough," Leland's honorary brother said. "She's talked about that a bunch of times."

Despite Leland's openness, Pelton said he sometimes can't shake the feeling that she is holding something back from him.

"I know her so well, sometimes I just get a funny feeling she's not saying everything," Pelton said. "Maybe she has some deeper feelings for me, but she doesn't know how I'd react, seeing as we're such good friends and all."

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

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