adBlockCheck

Gift Giving

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

The Onion’s Tips For Buying A Wedding Present

Try to select a gift that commemorates the divine occasion that is the union of two souls—two souls who have entwined themselves as one in an ageless bond of mutual and deeply felt love, respect, and adoration—like a serving tray or a Bissell...
End Of Section
  • More News

Gift Giving

Uncle Strikes Out Hard With Book Gift

WELLS, NV—According to Lynford family sources, Uncle Jack took a swing at giving Kyle a book for his birthday on Wednesday and struck out hard. “Man oh man, Uncle Jack totally whiffed it on that one,” Kyle’s brother Jason said of the humiliating gift attempt, in which the 48-year-old bit it big time with his present of Lost And Philosophy: The Island Has Its Reasons, a 2007 book of essays exploring the themes of the ABC series Lost through a philosophical lens. “Hey, the big man took a risk, doubled down, and went bust. What are you gonna do?” Sources confirmed that Uncle Mark totally knocked it out of the park with a gift card to Best Buy.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close