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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Unclear If Grandma Just Friends With 81-Year-Old Widowed Man

ORLANDO, FL—During their visit Thursday to the Avalon Retirement Community, the grandchildren of Rose Markowitz told reporters they were no closer to determining if their grandmother was merely friends with an 81-year-old widower who lives in her building or if there was something else going on between them. “He stops by her room every day at three, and then they watch TV together for a couple hours in the common area—I have no idea what that means,” said granddaughter Betsy Markowitz, adding that her grandmother had touched the man’s arm twice when first introducing him. “Also, last week when we arrived they were sitting on a bench in the courtyard together, but they weren’t holding hands or anything. And for some reason she’s started giving us little updates about what he’s been up to recently and what his kids and grandkids are doing. I honestly couldn’t begin to guess what kind of relationship they have.” At press time, the man had called Markowitz “Rosie” again.

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