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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Unconditional Love Given To 15-Year-Old Who Just Called Mom A Bitch In Middle Of Hollister

LOS ANGELES—Maintaining her complete dedication to the comfort and happiness of the teenager who just threw a sweater at her face, local mom Julie Macon reportedly continued to give unconditional love on Thursday to her daughter Kara, who just called her a bitch in the middle of a local Hollister. “You’re being such a bitch,” said Kara to the woman who brought her into the world and nurtured her from helpless infancy to adolescence with nothing but pure devotion and care, continually putting aside her own needs and desires to ensure the success of the 15-year-old who just suggested she leave her credit card and wait in the fucking car. “Are you retarded? I told you it doesn’t fit. Either get me the right one, or leave me the hell alone.” Sources confirmed that the teenager who could do literally nothing to jeopardize her mother’s love for her later screamed “I wish you would fucking die!” and locked herself in her room for the rest of the night.

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