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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Uncool Zookeeper Won't Let Anyone Ride Gorillas

BROOKFIELD, IL—Despite heartfelt pleas, Janice Petrone, a totally lame and uncool zookeeper at the Brookfield Zoo, repeatedly told a group of area sixth graders Monday that they were not allowed to ride on the backs of the western lowland gorillas.

"The silverback's natural instinct is to protect his troop," said Petrone, who has probably never taken a risk in her entire boring life. "He would beat his chest, bare his teeth, and then charge at you as soon as you entered the enclosure."

Petrone, a loser who hates fun, also told the kids they were not permitted to swim with the sharks, race the cheetahs, or punch the giraffes.

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