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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Uncool Zookeeper Won't Let Anyone Ride Gorillas

BROOKFIELD, IL—Despite heartfelt pleas, Janice Petrone, a totally lame and uncool zookeeper at the Brookfield Zoo, repeatedly told a group of area sixth graders Monday that they were not allowed to ride on the backs of the western lowland gorillas.

"The silverback's natural instinct is to protect his troop," said Petrone, who has probably never taken a risk in her entire boring life. "He would beat his chest, bare his teeth, and then charge at you as soon as you entered the enclosure."

Petrone, a loser who hates fun, also told the kids they were not permitted to swim with the sharks, race the cheetahs, or punch the giraffes.

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