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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Undecided Debate Viewer Waiting Until He Hears Same Responses For Seventh Time Before Making Decision

FORT WAYNE, IN—Saying he was still on the fence and was hoping Wednesday night’s final presidential debate would provide him with some clarity, undecided voter Kevin Dewey told reporters he is waiting until he hears the same responses from the nominees for the seventh time before deciding who he’ll cast his ballot for. “Tonight, I’d really like to see both candidates repeat the exact same things word-for-word that they have already said several times before—once they do that, I’ll probably know which way I’m leaning,” said Dewey, who explained that he had only heard Trump’s and Clinton’s rehearsed soundbites on jobs, ISIS, and criminal justice four or five times and would need to hear these exact statements at least twice more before he felt comfortable making a choice. “The first couple debates were helpful, but the candidates only restated the same pre-packaged talking points a few times each. Until I’ve seen them give identical answers more than half a dozen times between the debates and the campaign trail, I’ll probably still be going back and forth in my mind.” Dewey added that if hearing the exact same responses seven times failed to help him reach a decision, he might need to read a few dozen more wholly indistinguishable thinkpieces about the candidates before Election Day.

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