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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

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WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Undecided Voter Pretty Sure He’s Some Kind Of Idiot

SEATTLE—With just one day to go before the presidential election between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, undecided voter Andrew Mueller is pretty sure he’s some kind of idiot, the 37-year-old Seattle resident told reporters today.

According to Mueller, he’s “had a feeling for a while” that he is a total imbecile and hopelessly stupid human being, and this sentiment has gained more traction in recent days as his political sympathies have remained divided between two candidates with drastically different views on the economy, health care, social issues, and the environment.

“I have to say, the fact that I’m still undecided a day before the election has started to make me think I must be a complete and utter moron,” Mueller said in a rare moment of insight and clarity. “I mean, this presidential campaign has essentially been going on for two years, during which the clearly divergent platforms of both parties have been articulated in attack ads, campaign appearances, debates, interviews, and thousands of articles online and in newspapers. So the fact that I can’t decide between candidates at this point can really only mean that I’m some sort of bumbling half-wit with little to no capacity for critical thought.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what it is—I’m like a dumbshit or something,” he continued. “How else can you explain the fact that 24 hours before the election, I basically have no idea what’s going on? You can’t.”

According to Mueller, his newfound realization that he is an undeniable idiot or at least “a very, very dumb person” comes after years of ambivalence about the Democratic and Republican parties, during which he often misattributed his political uncertainty to factors other than being an indescribably thickheaded imbecile.

Before the midterm elections in 2010, Mueller switched his political affiliation from Democrat to Independent because he wanted to “vote on candidates and issues, not on political parties,” a decision he said “doesn’t necessarily make a person a moron, but certainly did in my case.” However, as the election draws near and Mueller remains no surer whom to vote for than he was a year ago, the undecided voter is increasingly convinced that his ambivalence is due not to his affiliation as a political independent and its attendant ideologies, but to the fact that he is, quite simply, an entirely brainless dimwit.

“Before now, I felt I was just being thoughtful, carefully weighing each candidate’s statements and making sure I was informed on the important issues, but that couldn’t be further from the truth,” said Mueller, adding that he once even thought that being undecided lent him a sort of mystique, a notion he now considers “almost as fucking dumb as I am.” “In reality, I’m actually just a spectacular dolt who doesn’t have the remotest understanding of how this country’s political system works, or really what the hell I’m doing in general.”

“However, I do care about the issues, in my way,” he added. “I’m just really, really stupid. Like, really stupid.”

At press time, Mueller said he had nearly made up his mind in favor of Romney before seeing an Obama attack ad, which made him consider supporting the president.

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