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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.
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Undecided Voter Pretty Sure He’s Some Kind Of Idiot

SEATTLE—With just one day to go before the presidential election between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, undecided voter Andrew Mueller is pretty sure he’s some kind of idiot, the 37-year-old Seattle resident told reporters today.

According to Mueller, he’s “had a feeling for a while” that he is a total imbecile and hopelessly stupid human being, and this sentiment has gained more traction in recent days as his political sympathies have remained divided between two candidates with drastically different views on the economy, health care, social issues, and the environment.

“I have to say, the fact that I’m still undecided a day before the election has started to make me think I must be a complete and utter moron,” Mueller said in a rare moment of insight and clarity. “I mean, this presidential campaign has essentially been going on for two years, during which the clearly divergent platforms of both parties have been articulated in attack ads, campaign appearances, debates, interviews, and thousands of articles online and in newspapers. So the fact that I can’t decide between candidates at this point can really only mean that I’m some sort of bumbling half-wit with little to no capacity for critical thought.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what it is—I’m like a dumbshit or something,” he continued. “How else can you explain the fact that 24 hours before the election, I basically have no idea what’s going on? You can’t.”

According to Mueller, his newfound realization that he is an undeniable idiot or at least “a very, very dumb person” comes after years of ambivalence about the Democratic and Republican parties, during which he often misattributed his political uncertainty to factors other than being an indescribably thickheaded imbecile.

Before the midterm elections in 2010, Mueller switched his political affiliation from Democrat to Independent because he wanted to “vote on candidates and issues, not on political parties,” a decision he said “doesn’t necessarily make a person a moron, but certainly did in my case.” However, as the election draws near and Mueller remains no surer whom to vote for than he was a year ago, the undecided voter is increasingly convinced that his ambivalence is due not to his affiliation as a political independent and its attendant ideologies, but to the fact that he is, quite simply, an entirely brainless dimwit.

“Before now, I felt I was just being thoughtful, carefully weighing each candidate’s statements and making sure I was informed on the important issues, but that couldn’t be further from the truth,” said Mueller, adding that he once even thought that being undecided lent him a sort of mystique, a notion he now considers “almost as fucking dumb as I am.” “In reality, I’m actually just a spectacular dolt who doesn’t have the remotest understanding of how this country’s political system works, or really what the hell I’m doing in general.”

“However, I do care about the issues, in my way,” he added. “I’m just really, really stupid. Like, really stupid.”

At press time, Mueller said he had nearly made up his mind in favor of Romney before seeing an Obama attack ad, which made him consider supporting the president.

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