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Undefeated Colts To Play Football's Harlem Globetrotters

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Undefeated Colts To Play Football's Harlem Globetrotters

INDIANAPOLIS—The Indianapolis Colts, after building a perfect 12-0 record so far this season and expecting perhaps only the Seattle Seahawks to pose a major challenge before the playoffs, were shocked and outraged by Tuesday's announcement from NFL head offices that their opponent this Sunday would not be the Jacksonville Jaguars, but the NFL's most explosive and unpredictable franchise: pro football's Harlem Globetrotters.

Running back Walter “Snazzy Wiggles” Malone and the Globetrotters football team humiliate their traditional weekly opponents, the New York Jets, for the 449th straight time.

"This is insane," head coach Tony Dungy told reporters at a press conference. "We are within striking distance of becoming the first non-Globetrotter football team to complete an undefeated season, and the NFL pulls this stunt. I intend to appeal this scheduling change before those barnstorming clowns have a chance to make my team look like a bunch of idiots on national television."

Since entering the NFL in the 1976 expansion, the Globetrotter football team has posted a 449-0-1 record, which analysts agree is due in part to their freewheeling, rule-bending, and vastly entertaining style of play, and also in part to their facing the same traditional and hapless opponent, the New York Jets, almost every Sunday. The showdown with the Colts, who will play host in the RCA Dome this Sunday at 1 p.m., will mark the first time since 1998 that the Globetrotters have traveled out of the New York area, a trip the players are looking forward to.

"I can't wait to square off against the MVP, Mister QB, that Sean Salisbury-lookin' tater head… What's his name? Oh, yeah—Peyton Manning," said Curtis "King Licketysplit" Williams, the Globetrotter quarterback and the NFL's all-time leader in behind-the-back passing yards, passing touchdowns, funky breakdowns, and smoothness from scrimmage. "Our anticipation of the situation is pure contemplation of domination, baby. We're going to win that game, and when we do it, it won't be anything like boring. The Colts are good, the Colts can score, but they ain't seen nothing like us before."

Although the Colts boast a powerful offense, with Manning coordinating Pro Bowlers Edgerrin James at running back and Marvin Harrison at wideout and receivers Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and Bryan Fletcher continuing to emerge, defense is somewhat less of a strong point for Indianapolis.

"I really don't think the Colts can contain a Globetrotter attack led by King Licketysplit, especially when he's throwing to speedster Chester 'Five-Borough' Jenkins, unpredictable catch-master Terry 'Twinkletoes' Holmes, and utility tight end The Honorable-Awfulable Samson," said ESPN football analyst John Clayton. "And let's not forget that all-world running back Walter 'Snazzy Wiggles' Malone is the current leader in yards per strut, and has run for a thousand yards on a single carry four times this season, scoring twice. I'm seeing another blowout in the making."

Williams agreed with Clayton's assessment. "I have been watching me some game film in between looking sexy," Williams said. "And I noticed a weakness in their defense. That Dwight Freeney? Big, fast, powerful defensive end? Well—he is also a jive turkey."

"Jive… Ass… Turkey," added Williams.

The Globetrotters' defense is, likewise, not the team's main strength, but Indianapolis coaches insisted that they would not underestimate the Harlem scheme.

"It's true they tend to let their opponent hang in there, scoring just enough to make the game interesting," said Colts defensive coordinator Ron Meeks. "They usually win in the fourth quarter, and although they win by an average of 23 points, it's almost always a one-score game with 10 minutes to go. If we can contain their tricky Human Cannonball Blitz, penetrate their ingenious Linebacker Pyramid run defense, and interrupt their insidious pattern of combined referee depantsing and flagrant pass interference, we know we can play them close."

"Man, Ron Meeks is preaching to the choir and holdin' his hymnal upside-down," said Globetrotter head coach Booby "The Love Enormous" Woods. "We got the strongest front four in the solar system. I don't expect Davy Gravy, Chuckie 'Dump Dump' Dempsey, Wilbert 'Chocolate Supernova' Willis, John Stapleton III, and Anthony 'Human Ditch' Reynolds to let that No. 32 [James] get more than a couple yards before they smack the confetti right out of his bucket. If they go to the pass, Injurious Jameson and Billy 'Ham Shank' Williams try and activate Peyton's dental plan while Sweet Carob Washington and Godfrey 'Godfather Trilogy' Whittaker cover their receivers. They usually cover them with flour sacks, silly string, banana cream pies, spray cheese, soap suds, all kinds of embarrassing nonsense. We're going to give them their 'props,' all right."

For their part, the Indianapolis players are not backing down from the sudden and unexpected challenge, asking only that NFL officials, often accused of blatantly favoring the Globetrotters, give them a fair and even game.

"Harlem has a good team," said Manning, who refused to respond to the Globetrotters' taunts and was unable to think of any of his own. "For instance, I respect their ability to spin the football on their fingers instead of carrying it in the traditional way. But it's unfair for the refs to allow, for instance, their receivers to score an extra point by jumping through the uprights after a touchdown reception. Linebackers should not be allowed to trampoline, parachute, or bungee-jump into the backfield. Trained monkeys, unicycling go-go girls, and Earth, Wind, And Fire have no place on a football field, let alone being a pivotal part of a team's game plan. And I know I'll get fined for saying this, but if a referee's hat is pulled down over his eyes, it should not take him 90 seconds to pull it back up again."

"I mean, at least fine them for celebrating," Manning added. "Frankly, it's unbelievable what people let the Globetrotters get away with."

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