Under Armour Celebrates 5 Years Of Dominating Roided-Out-High-School-Asshole Market

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Vol 48 Issue 29

The Pretending Hour

NBC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Two people dress up like investigators and pretend to track a made-up murderer with the help of costumes, fake guns, and names different than their birth names

Big Money!

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Host Kirk Newcloud counts and stacks $100,000 cash on a table before an exultant studio audience.

Microsoft Announces First-Ever Quarterly Loss

Software giant Microsoft reported a quarterly loss for the first time since the company went public in 1986, losing $492 million in the most recent quarter due to a major write-down in its online division.
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Under Armour Celebrates 5 Years Of Dominating Roided-Out-High-School-Asshole Market

BALTIMORE—The unusually successful Under Armour athletic wear company celebrated five years of market domination Thursday, presenting financial records and surveys indicating it has commanded an 88 percent share of the U.S. arrogant high-school-aged-steroid-dickhead demographic since 2007. "We're proud to be the leisure and exercise garment of choice for roided-out cocks who treat others like garbage," said Under Armour founder and CEO Kevin Plank, who set his sights on the athletics-focused teenaged prick in 1996 and never looked back. "Of course, we're going to lose a few sales to Hollister and Ed Hardy when our asshole customers need formal wear, but that's just the business. Suck it, faggots!" The company is expected to remain dominant until its current young-belligerent-asshole customers age out of Under Armour and into generic sweatpants, generous-fit blue jeans, and polyester-blend police uniforms.

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