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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.
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Under Armour Celebrates 5 Years Of Dominating Roided-Out-High-School-Asshole Market

BALTIMORE—The unusually successful Under Armour athletic wear company celebrated five years of market domination Thursday, presenting financial records and surveys indicating it has commanded an 88 percent share of the U.S. arrogant high-school-aged-steroid-dickhead demographic since 2007. "We're proud to be the leisure and exercise garment of choice for roided-out cocks who treat others like garbage," said Under Armour founder and CEO Kevin Plank, who set his sights on the athletics-focused teenaged prick in 1996 and never looked back. "Of course, we're going to lose a few sales to Hollister and Ed Hardy when our asshole customers need formal wear, but that's just the business. Suck it, faggots!" The company is expected to remain dominant until its current young-belligerent-asshole customers age out of Under Armour and into generic sweatpants, generous-fit blue jeans, and polyester-blend police uniforms.

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