adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Under Armour Celebrates 5 Years Of Dominating Roided-Out-High-School-Asshole Market

BALTIMORE—The unusually successful Under Armour athletic wear company celebrated five years of market domination Thursday, presenting financial records and surveys indicating it has commanded an 88 percent share of the U.S. arrogant high-school-aged-steroid-dickhead demographic since 2007. "We're proud to be the leisure and exercise garment of choice for roided-out cocks who treat others like garbage," said Under Armour founder and CEO Kevin Plank, who set his sights on the athletics-focused teenaged prick in 1996 and never looked back. "Of course, we're going to lose a few sales to Hollister and Ed Hardy when our asshole customers need formal wear, but that's just the business. Suck it, faggots!" The company is expected to remain dominant until its current young-belligerent-asshole customers age out of Under Armour and into generic sweatpants, generous-fit blue jeans, and polyester-blend police uniforms.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close