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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Under Armour Celebrates 5 Years Of Dominating Roided-Out-High-School-Asshole Market

BALTIMORE—The unusually successful Under Armour athletic wear company celebrated five years of market domination Thursday, presenting financial records and surveys indicating it has commanded an 88 percent share of the U.S. arrogant high-school-aged-steroid-dickhead demographic since 2007. "We're proud to be the leisure and exercise garment of choice for roided-out cocks who treat others like garbage," said Under Armour founder and CEO Kevin Plank, who set his sights on the athletics-focused teenaged prick in 1996 and never looked back. "Of course, we're going to lose a few sales to Hollister and Ed Hardy when our asshole customers need formal wear, but that's just the business. Suck it, faggots!" The company is expected to remain dominant until its current young-belligerent-asshole customers age out of Under Armour and into generic sweatpants, generous-fit blue jeans, and polyester-blend police uniforms.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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