adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
End Of Section
  • More News

'Under New Management' Banner Heralds Bold New Era For Cell Phone Store

The banner, a gleaming harbinger of untold glories yet to come.
The banner, a gleaming harbinger of untold glories yet to come.

SMYRNA, GA—Foretelling a brave new epoch in Cumberland Mall T-Mobile store history, a grand "Under New Management" sign was triumphantly unfurled across the retailer's front window Saturday morning.

Sources said the 2-by-4-foot weatherized cloth banner, hand-delivered one day prior by a gallant messenger clad in Pullman brown, would usher in a momentous tide of good fortune for all who come in search of fairly priced cellular phones with accompanying voice and data plans.

"Yeah, we've got some new folks running the place," senior associate Mike Snyder told reporters as the first intrepid visitors, no doubt stirred by the sign's bold declaration of an emerging golden age in personal telephonic technology, crossed the store's threshold. "Anyone who's been to this location a few times might notice some changes."

"Nothing too crazy," the man added with a humility belying the full splendor of the reborn Greater Atlanta area T-Mobile franchise. "Just a few tweaks here and there."

As the new era of prosperity dawned on T-Mobile store 7783, members of its visionary new leadership issued their first edicts on how the 700-square-foot commercial space would be transformed into a veritable utopia of wireless sales and service.

First and foremost, the freshly anointed authorities declared, would be a firm break from the shackles of the past through a purge of any remnants left from the store's tyrannical former regime, sweeping aside once and for all any trace of the oppressors who had ruled so pitilessly since 2007.

"Getting rid of the center kiosk and sticking the Bluetooth headsets on the wall next to the car chargers is really going to open the place up," said morning manager Dale Isaacson, referring to the circular wooden pedestal that has since been banished to the dark recesses of history. "Now, when people come in the front door, there's finally a clear path to the 4G smartphones."

"Over the next few months we'll be looking into other improvements of that nature, too," he added, offering but a tantalizing hint at the audacious lengths to which the new management would go in order to ascend to the very pinnacle of regional cell phone retailers.

Standing in line at the customer service counter, T-Mobile user Sherry Akers, 39, took a moment to speculate on the exhilarating transformation unfolding, as if in a dream, all around her.

"Yesterday, I dropped my phone and the screen came apart," said Akers, breathing in the precious first moments of the store's flowering renaissance. "I'm not sure what the deal with the warranty is, but I hope they can just pop it back together without my having to get a new one."

What trials await these fearless new helmsmen may not be known for some time. For now, sources said, all who enter the Cumberland Mall T-Mobile store can be assured a standard of product knowledge, personal attention, and technical support unrivaled in the history of commerce.

But if the lessons of history have foretold anything, they cautioned, it is that all empires—no matter how bold or enlightened the vision of their leaders—must one day fall.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close