'Under New Management' Banner Heralds Bold New Era For Cell Phone Store

In This Section

Customer Service

Heineken

Brightly Colored Uniforms Boost Employee Morale

ELGIN, IL—The recent implementation of new cardinal and maize uniforms as the mandatory dress code at GrocerKing Food Stores has not only made employees look better, but also greatly boosted worker morale, sources within the regional supermarket chain's extensive management hierarchy reported Monday.

Bank Patrons Can Expect Same Poor Service After Merger

ROANOKE, VA—A day after the bank's record-breaking $42 billion merger with First Federal of Virginia, spokespersons for Midlantic Trust held a press conference Monday to assure Midlantic customers that they can still expect the same atrocious service they have always received in the past. "Just because we've merged with First Federal doesn't mean we've changed," Midlantic president Harlan Shore said. "In the future, you can expect the same long lines, stand-offish tellers, and exorbitantly high loan rates you've come to count on here at Midlantic."

Telemarketers May Not Actually Care How You Are Doing

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Late in the afternoon, the warm, cheery sound of a ringing telephone fills the home of San Diego housewife Sandy Morris. "How are you doing?" asks the caller, her voice calm and friendly on the line. Pleased with the caller's good-natured, neighborly inquiry into her well-being, Morris warms to the conversation, and the two women quickly establish a rapport.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Eating

Partying

Customer Service

Heineken

'Under New Management' Banner Heralds Bold New Era For Cell Phone Store

The banner, a gleaming harbinger of untold glories yet to come.
The banner, a gleaming harbinger of untold glories yet to come.

SMYRNA, GA—Foretelling a brave new epoch in Cumberland Mall T-Mobile store history, a grand "Under New Management" sign was triumphantly unfurled across the retailer's front window Saturday morning.

Sources said the 2-by-4-foot weatherized cloth banner, hand-delivered one day prior by a gallant messenger clad in Pullman brown, would usher in a momentous tide of good fortune for all who come in search of fairly priced cellular phones with accompanying voice and data plans.

"Yeah, we've got some new folks running the place," senior associate Mike Snyder told reporters as the first intrepid visitors, no doubt stirred by the sign's bold declaration of an emerging golden age in personal telephonic technology, crossed the store's threshold. "Anyone who's been to this location a few times might notice some changes."

"Nothing too crazy," the man added with a humility belying the full splendor of the reborn Greater Atlanta area T-Mobile franchise. "Just a few tweaks here and there."

As the new era of prosperity dawned on T-Mobile store 7783, members of its visionary new leadership issued their first edicts on how the 700-square-foot commercial space would be transformed into a veritable utopia of wireless sales and service.

First and foremost, the freshly anointed authorities declared, would be a firm break from the shackles of the past through a purge of any remnants left from the store's tyrannical former regime, sweeping aside once and for all any trace of the oppressors who had ruled so pitilessly since 2007.

"Getting rid of the center kiosk and sticking the Bluetooth headsets on the wall next to the car chargers is really going to open the place up," said morning manager Dale Isaacson, referring to the circular wooden pedestal that has since been banished to the dark recesses of history. "Now, when people come in the front door, there's finally a clear path to the 4G smartphones."

"Over the next few months we'll be looking into other improvements of that nature, too," he added, offering but a tantalizing hint at the audacious lengths to which the new management would go in order to ascend to the very pinnacle of regional cell phone retailers.

Standing in line at the customer service counter, T-Mobile user Sherry Akers, 39, took a moment to speculate on the exhilarating transformation unfolding, as if in a dream, all around her.

"Yesterday, I dropped my phone and the screen came apart," said Akers, breathing in the precious first moments of the store's flowering renaissance. "I'm not sure what the deal with the warranty is, but I hope they can just pop it back together without my having to get a new one."

What trials await these fearless new helmsmen may not be known for some time. For now, sources said, all who enter the Cumberland Mall T-Mobile store can be assured a standard of product knowledge, personal attention, and technical support unrivaled in the history of commerce.

But if the lessons of history have foretold anything, they cautioned, it is that all empires—no matter how bold or enlightened the vision of their leaders—must one day fall.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More