adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Undercover Fireman Infiltrates Three-Alarm Blaze

CHICAGO—Plainclothes firefighter Rick Dodd, 32, was commended Tuesday for his successful monthlong operation to infiltrate and eventually expose a three-alarm blaze at a downtown Chicago warehouse. "The fire had spread to the upstairs by the time I arrived, so I cozied up to it, played the game, and tried not to arouse any suspicion until I had gathered the information I needed to bring back to the chief," said Dodd, adding that his cover was nearly blown a week into the investigation when a neighbor arrived and began throwing buckets of water onto the porch. "When things started to get too hot for me in there, I showed my badge, drew my concealed fire extinguisher, and called in for backup." Dodd was last honored in 2005 after completing a two-week stakeout of a kitten stuck in a tree, though the animal died of dehydration.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close