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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Undercover Fireman Infiltrates Three-Alarm Blaze

CHICAGO—Plainclothes firefighter Rick Dodd, 32, was commended Tuesday for his successful monthlong operation to infiltrate and eventually expose a three-alarm blaze at a downtown Chicago warehouse. "The fire had spread to the upstairs by the time I arrived, so I cozied up to it, played the game, and tried not to arouse any suspicion until I had gathered the information I needed to bring back to the chief," said Dodd, adding that his cover was nearly blown a week into the investigation when a neighbor arrived and began throwing buckets of water onto the porch. "When things started to get too hot for me in there, I showed my badge, drew my concealed fire extinguisher, and called in for backup." Dodd was last honored in 2005 after completing a two-week stakeout of a kitten stuck in a tree, though the animal died of dehydration.

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