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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Undercurrent Of Inequality And Fear Roiling Just Beneath Surface Of '50s-Themed Diner

MINNEAPOLIS—An underlying but eerily palpable feeling of enforced social conformity, racial tension, and communist witch hunts lurks just beneath the surface of Smokey Joe's, a 1950s-themed novelty diner, sources reported Monday. "This place is like a great nostalgic time capsule," said customer Brad Handley, 61, describing the roller-skating waitresses, old-fashioned jukebox, and sense of overwhelming nuclear paranoia inherent in the family-style eatery. "It's just a fun place to grab a cheeseburger and listen to some Elvis hits." Handley's wife Janice told reporters she also enjoyed the restaurant's atmosphere, which evokes a simpler time in America when Phil Silvers was on television, women were systematically oppressed at home and in the workplace, and sock hops were all the rage.

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