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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Undercurrent Of Inequality And Fear Roiling Just Beneath Surface Of '50s-Themed Diner

MINNEAPOLIS—An underlying but eerily palpable feeling of enforced social conformity, racial tension, and communist witch hunts lurks just beneath the surface of Smokey Joe's, a 1950s-themed novelty diner, sources reported Monday. "This place is like a great nostalgic time capsule," said customer Brad Handley, 61, describing the roller-skating waitresses, old-fashioned jukebox, and sense of overwhelming nuclear paranoia inherent in the family-style eatery. "It's just a fun place to grab a cheeseburger and listen to some Elvis hits." Handley's wife Janice told reporters she also enjoyed the restaurant's atmosphere, which evokes a simpler time in America when Phil Silvers was on television, women were systematically oppressed at home and in the workplace, and sock hops were all the rage.

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