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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Underfunded School Lacks Resources To Calculate Student-To-Teacher Ratio

PHILADELPHIA—Budget cuts and unfulfilled requests for federal funding have left Philadelphia's East Central High School without the vital resources needed to determine how many students per teacher the school currently supports. "Our staff of 54 teachers is aware that 1,578 students are in attendance," principal Ian Victor said Monday. "We always hear that suburban schools have a 16-to-1 ratio—we just want to know how we stack up." East Central's original budget request of $120,000 was intended to purchase new equipment, replace outdated textbooks, and to figure out exactly how long it would take a school bus traveling at 35 mph to arrive at the school from Milburne, if it left at 7:35 a.m.

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