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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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Underfunded School Lacks Resources To Calculate Student-To-Teacher Ratio

PHILADELPHIA—Budget cuts and unfulfilled requests for federal funding have left Philadelphia's East Central High School without the vital resources needed to determine how many students per teacher the school currently supports. "Our staff of 54 teachers is aware that 1,578 students are in attendance," principal Ian Victor said Monday. "We always hear that suburban schools have a 16-to-1 ratio—we just want to know how we stack up." East Central's original budget request of $120,000 was intended to purchase new equipment, replace outdated textbooks, and to figure out exactly how long it would take a school bus traveling at 35 mph to arrive at the school from Milburne, if it left at 7:35 a.m.

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