adBlockCheck

Recent News

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

'Underground Railroad' Carries Slaves From Brooklyn to Manhattan

NEW YORK—It was learned Monday that for many decades, an "underground railroad" has been in operation in New York City, transporting thousands of slaves from Brooklyn to Manhattan each day through an intricate series of subterranean tunnels. "These slaves suffer terribly, and they need our help," said William Erlich, director of the underground railroad, also known as the Metropolitan Transit Authority. "They live in cramped quarters far from their cruel employers, and would have to walk very far if not for the assistance of a dedicated band of modern-day Harriet Tubmans, determined to get them to their jobs well-rested and ready for a long day of toil."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings