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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Underprotective Father Demands Daughter Arrive Home By 10 A.M.

NASHVILLE, TN—Local resident Nathan Corbin, 37, has set a strict 10 a.m. curfew for his 16-year-old daughter Kathy, the underbearing father told reporters Tuesday. "Rules are rules—she has to be through the door or at least passed out on the lawn by no later than 10 in the morning on school days," said Corbin, adding that Kathy is no longer allowed to have more than three boys in her room at one time. "I've also warned her on several occasions to keep it down when she comes home because her [14-year-old] brother [Kevin] has usually smoked quite a bit of pot by that time and is asleep on the couch." Corbin admitted to recent laxness in enforcing his "no stealing more than $35 a week from your stepmother" policy, but defended indulging his daughter, citing the increased cost of cigarettes.

After Birth

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