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Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy

SKOKIE, IL—As vacation season approaches and local Donnellan Family Funeral Services staff prepare for their summer breaks, mortuary director Gene Donnellan told reporters Friday that the last few embalmings he performs before vacation are “typically pretty slapdash.” “To be perfectly honest, I’m pretty much exhausted that whole week before I’m off, so by the time I get to the last few bodies I usually end up overdoing the formaldehyde and skipping right to the cavity drainage,” Donnellan said of his “admittedly messy” last-minute process, which, he added, “is far from [his] best work but gets the job done.” “Look, if it’s six o’clock on Friday and I’ve got two weeks in the Virgin Islands ahead of me, it’s not like I’m going to get to every toe. And then I’ll just pack the anus and vagina with gauze to prevent seepage, put the bag of organs at the base of the casket, and call it a day.” At press time, Donnellan was absentmindedly suturing a corpse’s mouth shut while thinking about what kind of tropical drink he was going to order.

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