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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy

SKOKIE, IL—As vacation season approaches and local Donnellan Family Funeral Services staff prepare for their summer breaks, mortuary director Gene Donnellan told reporters Friday that the last few embalmings he performs before vacation are “typically pretty slapdash.” “To be perfectly honest, I’m pretty much exhausted that whole week before I’m off, so by the time I get to the last few bodies I usually end up overdoing the formaldehyde and skipping right to the cavity drainage,” Donnellan said of his “admittedly messy” last-minute process, which, he added, “is far from [his] best work but gets the job done.” “Look, if it’s six o’clock on Friday and I’ve got two weeks in the Virgin Islands ahead of me, it’s not like I’m going to get to every toe. And then I’ll just pack the anus and vagina with gauze to prevent seepage, put the bag of organs at the base of the casket, and call it a day.” At press time, Donnellan was absentmindedly suturing a corpse’s mouth shut while thinking about what kind of tropical drink he was going to order.

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