Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy

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Vol 49 Issue 26

Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students

ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy, a progressive new charter school that practices an innovative philosophy of not ...

Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools

Under the government’s new “Smart Snacks in Schools” guidelines, schools will no longer be allowed to stock vending machines or snack bars with treats exceeding 200 calories or those including trans fats.

Magic Skateboard

PBS 3 p.m. EDT/2 p.m. CDT In this spinoff of The Magic School Bus, Mrs. Frizzle and her class hop on the magic skateboard and try to land a 360 varial inside the principal’s small intestine.

Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill

With 14 Republicans joining Democrats, the Senate passed a sweeping immigration reform bill yesterday, which would provide a 13-year path to citizenship for the nation’s illegal immigrants, though the bill faces strong opposition from House Republic...
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Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy

SKOKIE, IL—As vacation season approaches and local Donnellan Family Funeral Services staff prepare for their summer breaks, mortuary director Gene Donnellan told reporters Friday that the last few embalmings he performs before vacation are “typically pretty slapdash.” “To be perfectly honest, I’m pretty much exhausted that whole week before I’m off, so by the time I get to the last few bodies I usually end up overdoing the formaldehyde and skipping right to the cavity drainage,” Donnellan said of his “admittedly messy” last-minute process, which, he added, “is far from [his] best work but gets the job done.” “Look, if it’s six o’clock on Friday and I’ve got two weeks in the Virgin Islands ahead of me, it’s not like I’m going to get to every toe. And then I’ll just pack the anus and vagina with gauze to prevent seepage, put the bag of organs at the base of the casket, and call it a day.” At press time, Donnellan was absentmindedly suturing a corpse’s mouth shut while thinking about what kind of tropical drink he was going to order.

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