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Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy

SKOKIE, IL—As vacation season approaches and local Donnellan Family Funeral Services staff prepare for their summer breaks, mortuary director Gene Donnellan told reporters Friday that the last few embalmings he performs before vacation are “typically pretty slapdash.” “To be perfectly honest, I’m pretty much exhausted that whole week before I’m off, so by the time I get to the last few bodies I usually end up overdoing the formaldehyde and skipping right to the cavity drainage,” Donnellan said of his “admittedly messy” last-minute process, which, he added, “is far from [his] best work but gets the job done.” “Look, if it’s six o’clock on Friday and I’ve got two weeks in the Virgin Islands ahead of me, it’s not like I’m going to get to every toe. And then I’ll just pack the anus and vagina with gauze to prevent seepage, put the bag of organs at the base of the casket, and call it a day.” At press time, Donnellan was absentmindedly suturing a corpse’s mouth shut while thinking about what kind of tropical drink he was going to order.

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