adBlockCheck

Dilemma

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Area Man Only One With Problems

BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems. Reports indicat...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
End Of Section
  • More News

Dilemma

Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee

GREENWOOD, IN—With relations in the patio area approaching crisis levels for much of the past 15 minutes, sources within Cityside Grill’s outdoor dining space confirmed Thursday that an uneasy détente had finally developed between area man Kyle Silvestri and a honeybee. The tense calm, which reportedly arrived after the bee retreated to a safe distance on a nearby railing, came after a period of provocation that had lasted for most of the 31-year-old administrative clerk’s lunch. Observers said they witnessed open acts of aggression between the two factions, including the bee flying dangerously close to the contested territory of a Coke can and Silvestri once attempting to swat away the insect with a menu. However, experts with knowledge of the two sides’ historically strained relations were pessimistic about the truce’s staying power, noting that the bee was showing no signs of withdrawing from the terrace and emphasizing that Silvestri had repeatedly asserted his right to eat on the patio in peace. At press time, sources confirmed that the brief armistice had fallen apart after the bee suddenly entered the airspace around Silvestri’s head, prompting the man to surrender his territory and seek refuge indoors.

Dilemma

More from this section

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close