Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions

DETROIT—Uttering an audible sigh of frustration as he noticed the franchise’s name in the classified ad, unemployed Detroit resident Chris Segel, 34, reportedly expressed disappointment Friday upon realizing the job opening he’d been considering was with the Lions. “Aw man, I was actually excited about this, but just when I got my hopes up I saw it’s for the goddamn Lions,” said Segel, who dejectedly confirmed after scanning the listing a second time that the facilities management position was definitely at Ford Field with the Detroit Lions. “I mean, I guess I’m applying anyway because it’s a job and I need one, but Christ, this market really is fucking brutal if this shit is all that’s left right now.” At press time, sources reported Segel was eagerly looking into a possible job opportunity with Detroit’s sanitation department.