Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions

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How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.
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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions

DETROIT—Uttering an audible sigh of frustration as he noticed the franchise’s name in the classified ad, unemployed Detroit resident Chris Segel, 34, reportedly expressed disappointment Friday upon realizing the job opening he’d been considering was with the Lions. “Aw man, I was actually excited about this, but just when I got my hopes up I saw it’s for the goddamn Lions,” said Segel, who dejectedly confirmed after scanning the listing a second time that the facilities management position was definitely at Ford Field with the Detroit Lions. “I mean, I guess I’m applying anyway because it’s a job and I need one, but Christ, this market really is fucking brutal if this shit is all that’s left right now.” At press time, sources reported Segel was eagerly looking into a possible job opportunity with Detroit’s sanitation department.