Unemployed Man Getting Really Good At Unemployment

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Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Unemployed Man Getting Really Good At Unemployment

PORTLAND, OR—Nicholas Higby, a graphic designer laid off in January, is on his way to mastering unemployment, the 34-year-old reported Monday.

Higby, who strives to be “the best jobless person I can be.”

“Yeah, I don’t mean to brag, but I definitely have this down cold,” Higby said. “Of course, I’d rather find another job, but until the economy turns around, I’m doing a pretty kick-ass job at the not-working thing.”

Ever since losing his last job, Higby said he is enjoying all his city has to offer.

“I’ve eaten through my savings, but funemployment [sic] is enough to get by if you’re careful what you do,” Higby said. “I’m hitting all the free concerts and museums. I’m getting exercise at the park. I’m making repairs I’ve put off for years. It’s amazing how productive I’ve been.”

Higby has not always been so successful at not having a job.

“The first month, I was totally lost,” Higby said. “I was either moping around the house or chasing leads for jobs that were ridiculously out of my reach. But now I have experience under my belt.”

Through a months-long process of trial and error, Higby has learned the tricks of the unemployment trade.

“Leaving the house every single day is very important, even if it’s just to spend a few hours at the coffee shop organizing the MP3 files on your laptop,” Higby said. “I try to be out the door by 2 or 3 in the afternoon—no exceptions. You have to get out and do something during the day in order to not feel guilty about going out drinking that night.”

Higby warned strongly against going to bed too early.

“It’s depressing to be out at 9 a.m., because you see everyone else being productive,” Higby said. “Besides that, morning TV sucks. The Rockford Files starts at noon, so I try to be up, showered, and out on the couch by at least 11:55.”

According to Higby, continuing the search for employment amid setbacks is key. Every day, Higby makes it a point to go out and apply for jobs, buy a paper and peruse the classifieds, or wait for his cell phone to ring.

“It’s hard being rejected so many times, but you have to stick to your guns,” Higby said. “I make sure to spend at least 10 percent of my day looking for work.”

Another of Higby’s tips involves assigning additional meaning to activities he once did as a matter of course.

“If you think about how you need stamps, and you put getting stamps on your mental list of things to do the next day, when you do go get those stamps, you’ve achieved a goal,” Higby said. “Another example: Thursday is Sports Illustrated Day. Now, back when I had a job, I also used to read Sports Illustrated on Thursdays, but Thursday was never Sports Illustrated Day.”

Higby said he considers himself a cut above other non-workers he knows.

“I have other friends without jobs, and they’re pathetic,” he said. “They get nothing done. They’re always depressed or frustrated. I know it’s rough the first couple months, but they should have their act together by now.”

Conversely, Higby said he hit his stride about three months ago.

“I definitely can recommend doing your reading at Powell’s City Of Books rather than the library,” Higby said. “The library is filled with dregs, people who have no idea what to do with their surplus 40 hours a week.”

Higby added that it is important to uphold the appearance of productivity.

“When I’m out during the day, I carry around some notebooks and papers and take them out whenever possible,” he said. “It’s no good to be just sitting there on a park bench staring off into the distance. It creeps people out.”

“And don’t burden others with your sad reality,” Higby continued. “I used to complain to my friends that I was bored, but I quickly realized that, after busting their asses at work all week, they don’t want to hear it. Now, I talk about ‘working hard on my portfolio.’”

Additionally, Higby is careful to cycle through his companions so as not to become a social burden on any individual friend.

“Josh works weekends, so on Monday and Tuesday he’s sitting at home looking for someone to watch a movie with,” Higby said. “Kenny freelances, so I usually call him on Wednesday. If I drop by Beth’s restaurant in the slow hours before dinner rush, I can usually kill a few hours and score some Pad Thai. You could definitely say I’m pretty proud of all the non-work I’ve been getting done.”