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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Unemployed Man Vows To Wake Up Early, Finish Watching Movie

SANTA FE, NM—Claiming that he was simply too exhausted to give the film the attention it deserved at such a late hour, local unemployed man Colin Yarbrough, 25, reportedly vowed Tuesday night to wake up bright and early the next morning and finish watching his movie. “I know I need to get this done, but I can hardly keep my eyes open anymore,” the out-of-work man told reporters, noting that a good night’s sleep would give him the necessary energy to properly view the remaining 45 minutes of the 2006 drama The Prestige. “Really, I think the best thing for me to do is turn in for the night and then make sure I’m awake at 8 a.m. sharp so I can fire up my laptop and get this one in the books. No excuses.” Yarbrough added that if he could knock out the rest of his movie early enough, there would hopefully be sufficient time to tend to the day’s other duties, including pacing around his living room, taking a midday nap, and rewatching The Prestige.

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