adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

Unemployed Man Vows To Wake Up Early, Finish Watching Movie

SANTA FE, NM—Claiming that he was simply too exhausted to give the film the attention it deserved at such a late hour, local unemployed man Colin Yarbrough, 25, reportedly vowed Tuesday night to wake up bright and early the next morning and finish watching his movie. “I know I need to get this done, but I can hardly keep my eyes open anymore,” the out-of-work man told reporters, noting that a good night’s sleep would give him the necessary energy to properly view the remaining 45 minutes of the 2006 drama The Prestige. “Really, I think the best thing for me to do is turn in for the night and then make sure I’m awake at 8 a.m. sharp so I can fire up my laptop and get this one in the books. No excuses.” Yarbrough added that if he could knock out the rest of his movie early enough, there would hopefully be sufficient time to tend to the day’s other duties, including pacing around his living room, taking a midday nap, and rewatching The Prestige.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close