Unemployed Man Vows To Wake Up Early, Finish Watching Movie

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Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

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Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Unemployed Man Vows To Wake Up Early, Finish Watching Movie

SANTA FE, NM—Claiming that he was simply too exhausted to give the film the attention it deserved at such a late hour, local unemployed man Colin Yarbrough, 25, reportedly vowed Tuesday night to wake up bright and early the next morning and finish watching his movie. “I know I need to get this done, but I can hardly keep my eyes open anymore,” the out-of-work man told reporters, noting that a good night’s sleep would give him the necessary energy to properly view the remaining 45 minutes of the 2006 drama The Prestige. “Really, I think the best thing for me to do is turn in for the night and then make sure I’m awake at 8 a.m. sharp so I can fire up my laptop and get this one in the books. No excuses.” Yarbrough added that if he could knock out the rest of his movie early enough, there would hopefully be sufficient time to tend to the day’s other duties, including pacing around his living room, taking a midday nap, and rewatching The Prestige.