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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Unemployed Man Who Had To Move Back In With His Parents Still For Obama

COVINGTON, KY—More than two years after losing his last job in a brutal round of layoffs and moving back in with his parents, local man Brian Powers confirmed he is still a vocal supporter of Barack Obama and a vehement defender of the president’s economic platform, sources reported Wednesday. “I’ve always been a huge admirer of Obama, and there’s no doubt I’m supporting him in November,” said the unemployed 26-year-old, who, since voting for the president in 2008 while a senior in college, has defaulted on $200,000 in student-loan debt and held no fewer than five entry-level positions, each of which was terminated within six months due to downsizing. “His first term wasn’t perfect by any means, but he still did a lot of really impressive things, especially considering the poor hand he was dealt. Now that we’re on the road to recovery, he needs our help more than ever.” At press time, the staunch Obama supporter was heading by the AMPM store to see if any positions had opened up since last week.

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