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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Unemployed Man Who Had To Move Back In With His Parents Still For Obama

COVINGTON, KY—More than two years after losing his last job in a brutal round of layoffs and moving back in with his parents, local man Brian Powers confirmed he is still a vocal supporter of Barack Obama and a vehement defender of the president’s economic platform, sources reported Wednesday. “I’ve always been a huge admirer of Obama, and there’s no doubt I’m supporting him in November,” said the unemployed 26-year-old, who, since voting for the president in 2008 while a senior in college, has defaulted on $200,000 in student-loan debt and held no fewer than five entry-level positions, each of which was terminated within six months due to downsizing. “His first term wasn’t perfect by any means, but he still did a lot of really impressive things, especially considering the poor hand he was dealt. Now that we’re on the road to recovery, he needs our help more than ever.” At press time, the staunch Obama supporter was heading by the AMPM store to see if any positions had opened up since last week.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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