Unfinished Basement Has Weird Feeling About Way Woman Looking At It

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Unfinished Basement Has Weird Feeling About Way Woman Looking At It

FRESNO, CA—A local unfinished basement confirmed this week that the way homeowner Shelley Thomason has been eyeing it lately has caused it to feel deeply uneasy. “Every time she walks down the stairs, she always stops and gives me this look like she’s planning something, it’s really making me uncomfortable,” said the 900-square-foot ground-level area, which also reported that various sightings of Thomason carrying home unknown products in an orange Home Depot bucket had given it a sinking feeling of dread. “Whatever she’s thinking, I don’t see any way I’m going to make it out of this looking anything like I do now. Why is she carrying that velvet curtain down here now? Oh man, what does she want with me?” At press time, the basement was trying to calm down by convincing itself that even if Thomason tried to pull off some kind of DIY renovation project, she wouldn’t have what it takes to carry out the act.