Unfinished Basement Has Weird Feeling About Way Woman Looking At It

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Content From 2013-10-23

Dead Grandfather Still Talking About Ebbets Field

FLUSHING, NY—A full eight years following his fatal heart attack, deceased grandfather Martin Whitley continues to talk about Ebbets Field and his experiences at the demolished New York ballpark, individuals close to the dead man confirmed Tuesday.

GOP Announces Plan To Go After Obamacare

WASHINGTON—In a strategic announcement that has reportedly left Beltway observers both shocked and stunned, Republican lawmakers revealed Monday that they were planning to go after Obamacare.

Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image

In recent months, Apple has faced mounting criticism that it is no longer an innovative brand, and just last week the company was forced to cut orders of its plastic-encased iPhone 5C due to lack of demand.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 22, 2013

Aries Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing sixty-three employees. Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps c...

Fan Has $100K Of Surgery To Look Like Justin Bieber

Los Angeles resident Toby Sheldon, 33, has spent $100,000 on various cosmetic procedures—including hair transplants, eyelid surgery, a chin reduction, and Botox injections—to make himself look like 19-year-old pop sensation Justin Bieber.

Anne Hathaway Tormented By 14-Year-Old Bully

LOS ANGELES—Calling the teen’s behavior “ruthless” and “out of control,” Oscar-winning actress Anne Hathaway confirmed to reporters today that for the past few months she has been routinely and viciously bullied both in...

New, Improved Obamacare Program Released On 35 Floppy Disks

WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread criticism regarding its health care website, the federal government today unveiled its new, improved Obamacare program, which allows Americans to purchase health insurance after installing a software bundle contai...

New Book Claims Robert Kennedy Stole JFK’s Brain

According to a new book, President John F. Kennedy’s brain was placed in a container and stored in the National Archives after his assassination, though it was discovered in 1966 that the brain was missing, with signs pointing to his brother Robert ...

NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers

Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the seventh week of the NFL season: Winners New York Jets: Lived up to expectations that officials would just hand them another bullshit victory Minnesota Vikings/New York Giants...

Tim Duncan Urges Teammates To Be Patient With Frequent-Flyer Miles

‘It’s Best To Build Them Up For One Big Trip,’ All-Star Says

SAN ANTONIO—Conversing with teammates during practice Friday, Spurs center Tim Duncan urged San Antonio’s players to be smarter with their frequent-flyer miles by accumulating the reward points for one big trip rather than squandering them lit...

Cincinnati At Pittsburgh

Fox 1 p.m. EDT/12 p.m. CDT In this high-profile matchup, the 296,000 residents of Cincinnati go toe-to-toe with the 308,000 residents of Pittsburgh for regional bragging rights.

Scientist: Yetis Real, Related To Polar Bears

According to a geneticist, DNA collected from two pelts, which Himalayan residents believe to be those of yetis, matched DNA from a species of ancient polar bear, with the scientist positing that yetis exist and are likely a hybrid form of polar bear and ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Unfinished Basement Has Weird Feeling About Way Woman Looking At It

FRESNO, CA—A local unfinished basement confirmed this week that the way homeowner Shelley Thomason has been eyeing it lately has caused it to feel deeply uneasy. “Every time she walks down the stairs, she always stops and gives me this look like she’s planning something, it’s really making me uncomfortable,” said the 900-square-foot ground-level area, which also reported that various sightings of Thomason carrying home unknown products in an orange Home Depot bucket had given it a sinking feeling of dread. “Whatever she’s thinking, I don’t see any way I’m going to make it out of this looking anything like I do now. Why is she carrying that velvet curtain down here now? Oh man, what does she want with me?” At press time, the basement was trying to calm down by convincing itself that even if Thomason tried to pull off some kind of DIY renovation project, she wouldn’t have what it takes to carry out the act.

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