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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Unfunny Inside Joke From 5 Years Ago Only Thing Holding Friendship Together

SAN FRANCISCO—An unfunny private joke dating back to when they were roommates five years ago is reportedly the last remaining thread still connecting friends Jennifer Kerns and Kerri Gallagher. "All one of us has to do is say, 'You are hungry, Mr. Max,' and we'll both bust out laughing," Gallagher said of the shared reference that has outlasted each friend's recollection of the other's birthday, favorite pastime, and middle name. "Sometimes we'll spend entire phone conversations just sort of doing it back and forth. Most times, actually." Gallagher, unaware that Kerns was currently attending her mother's funeral, added that it had been a while since her friend had called.

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