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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Unfunny Inside Joke From 5 Years Ago Only Thing Holding Friendship Together

SAN FRANCISCO—An unfunny private joke dating back to when they were roommates five years ago is reportedly the last remaining thread still connecting friends Jennifer Kerns and Kerri Gallagher. "All one of us has to do is say, 'You are hungry, Mr. Max,' and we'll both bust out laughing," Gallagher said of the shared reference that has outlasted each friend's recollection of the other's birthday, favorite pastime, and middle name. "Sometimes we'll spend entire phone conversations just sort of doing it back and forth. Most times, actually." Gallagher, unaware that Kerns was currently attending her mother's funeral, added that it had been a while since her friend had called.

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