Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift

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Vol 45 Issue 50

Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object from Brian Jensen's dream Sunday night was suddenly struck by the unusually powerful smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

Mark Ingram

The Alabama halfback may become the first Crimson Tide player ever to win the Heisman. Is he any good?
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Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift

PHILADELPHIA—According to sources, local dullard Peter Merriam, 34, struggled pitifully Saturday evening to keep up with a simple conversation regarding popular international singing sensation Taylor Swift. "I was aghast at his ignorance of even the most basic works of her oeuvre," said partygoer Amy Singer, who remarked that the incurious Merriam "didn't know or appear to care" about Swift's childhood in small-town Pennsylvania or that she's the youngest person ever to win Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs. "He flailed around like some kind of caveman for something to say about the Kanye West incident, and then tried to steer the conversation toward the health care debate. I would have pitied the man were he not so unapologetically obtuse." Sources reported that the unlearned Merriam almost redeemed his intellectual credentials by knowing the name of one of the contestants on Top Chef.

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