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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Uninsured Man Hopes His Symptoms Diagnosed This Week On House

HAPEVILLE, GA—After being laid off last year from his door-fitting job at the local Ford Motor Company plant, uninsured 35-year-old Chris Thaney has been watching Fox's hit medical drama House to find out why he experiences severe headaches, an inability to urinate, sharp lower-back pains, and numbness on the left side of his body. "This week's episode had a guy who was close to having the same thing I have, but he was just the side patient who says the one thing that gets [Dr. Gregory] House to realize what is actually wrong with the episode's main patient," Thaney said. "The teaser for next week didn't give away much, but you never know." Though Thaney's condition is deteriorating rapidly, he said he may quit watching the show if House does not shack up soon with that cute administrator whose name Thaney can never remember.

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