How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News


Uninvited Guest Rapper Ruins Album

BRONX, NY—Despite already having lent his vocals to six of the 10 tracks on Fat Joe’s latest album and drinking every can of Red Bull in the recording room’s mini-fridge, uninvited guest rapper Lil Wayne continued to miss repeated hints that he should "hit the fucking curb," the Atlantic recording artist and 36-year-old Bronx native said Tuesday.

Lil Wayne

According to Fat Joe, Lil Wayne, who appeared at the studio "just to holla" after "passing through the [neighbor]hood" last Thursday, was allowed to stay for the recording of a few verses on his fellow rapper’s newest effort, Me Myself & I. Five days and dozens of studio hours later, however, Fat Joe said he had made a "serious mistake" by granting the 23-year-old, New Orleans-born rapper such wide latitude.

"That nigga’s in everybody’s way," Fat Joe said. "It’d be one thing if homeboy helped to clean up a studio track every now and then, or offered to replace some of the beats he’s used without asking. But all he does is make more work for me."

"Don’t he have his own goddamn rap album with his own guests to go work on?" Fat Joe added.

Although Fat Joe said he had gotten along with Lil Wayne in the past, "every motherfucking little thing," from the way the unwanted MC incorrectly emphasizes the first syllable of the word "bizzatch," to the way he constantly "flashes his ice," has begun to irritate him.

"I’ve tried to meet the sucka halfway and just have him come in on the chorus of most songs," Fat Joe said. "But you know what the sad nigga do? He repeats the last word of every verse, right after I spit it. Did he always do that shit, and I just never noticed?"

Fat Joe said that the only contribution his unsolicited collaborator has so far made to the album was inspiring the song "Blood-Sucking Moochaz Who Stick Around For A Damn Week Almost."

Fat Joe

"I thought that maybe after listening to that rhyme, he would’ve realized he’d overstayed his welcome," Fat Joe said. "But nigga just bitched that the bass was too low."

According to Fat Joe, the mood, already strained after a 40-oz. bottle of malt liquor was spilled on expensive sound equipment Friday, worsened Sunday when he was forced to eject nearly a dozen of Lil Wayne’s friends from the studio.

"It was a fucking block party up in here, and now every one of them freeloading bitches got to get shout-outs in the liner notes," said Fat Joe, who claimed to receive icy glares from the expelled revelers, "as if [he] was the hater in all this."

"If Lil Wayne was dropping Franklins to cover studio time, I wouldn’t mind him having people over. But he ain’t," he added.

"I can’t even tell if this is a Fat Joe album anymore," Fat Joe said. "And now I got to pay royalties to this nigga, too?"

Me Myself & I was scheduled to be released later this fall, but the unexpected spike in salaries and production cost overruns has prompted Atlantic to table the project until legal arrangements are first worked out. The development has reportedly dismayed executives from the label.

"In the industry, it’s common knowledge that if you’re going to invite a guest rapper, you make sure you’re both on the same wavelength," said an Atlantic artists and repertoire executive who requested anonymity. "If you’re Too $hort, you have to be down with T-Pain. If you’re Trick Daddy, you’re cool with Twista. And so on."

Despite their friction, Fat Joe attributes his reluctance to kick out Lil Wayne to their long history together.

"Lil Wayne is like a brother to me—I’d take a bullet for that nigga," Fat Joe said. "But, damn, I ain’t never had this trouble from R. Kelly or the Terror Squad. I got a beef with 50 [Cent], but hell, at least I don’t got to see him that much."

"Nigga, please," Fat Joe added. "Leave."

Me Myself & I, featuring Lil Wayne, Petey Pablo, Juvenile, Turk, Noreaga, Pastor Troy, Paul Wall, Onyx, Three 6 Mafia, Skull Duggery, Canibus, Capone, and four or five of Lil Wayne’s other friends that Fat Joe had never even seen before in his life, could be released as early as January "if busta ever gets his skinny ass the hell on."

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close