United Nations Condemns American Tourist Traps As Inhumane

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Vol 32 Issue 16

Chuck Yeager Dies In Fiery Kitchen Mishap

MOJAVE, CA—Chuck Yeager, the stoic, hard-living, daredevil Air Force test pilot whose never-say-die approach and fearless pushing of the limits of human achievement were immortalized in Tom Wolfe's The Right Stuff, died in a dramatic wall of flames Monday when a malfunction occurred in the electronic components of his kitchen’s microwave oven. Yeager—who had survived high-speed stress-induced blackouts, engine burnouts and experimental-jet crash landings to set altitude and speed records, including his legendary 1947 breaking of the sound barrier—was reportedly toasting several bite-sized pizza pockets at the time of the equipment breakdown. "Chuck could’ve gotten out," retired Air Force captain and longtime Yeager friend Vernon Sawyer said. "But he insisted on finishing what he set out to do: heat and consume those snack-food items. He was very brave."

Glorious New Tomorrow Postponed Indefinitely

EARTH—In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of nearly every major belief system on Earth announced Monday the indefinite postponement of the glorious new tomorrow that has been collectively promised humankind for more than six millennia. "Whether it be redemption from sin under the second coming of the Messiah; a classless society under a dictatorship of the proletariat; a war-free state of universal peace and brotherhood following a unilateral nuclear disarmament; perfect free trade in a coercion-free marketplace; an enlightened 'nirvana' state after a series of karma-accumulating reincarnations; a state of clear through the spiritual-purification techniques of the Church of Scientology; or a state of perfect, rock-hard abs under the tutelage of cable-television fitness guru Tony Little, it would appear that the glorious new tomorrow toward which we have all been striving is, unfortunately, not a tenable goal for the near future," said motivational speaker and Personal Power author Anthony Robbins. Billions of suicides worldwide are expected to result from the announcement.

Eating Enthusiast Acquires Chocolate Eclair

DULUTH, MN—Longtime eater and admirer of fine edibles Douglas Hundt proudly added a Zuckerman’s Bakery chocolate eclair to his extensive pantry Monday at a reported cost of $1.75. "I am very pleased with this newest purchase," Hundt told reporters. "I am confident that this eclair, like others I have previously acquired, will provide me with great eating enjoyment." Hundt had previously made news with his 1995 landmark purchase of a four-foot party sub from Hungry Howie’s and a May ’97 20-nugget deal with the McDonald’s corporation.

Today's Kids Have No Valor

I am Higelac of the Healfdanes, and I have spoken. The youth of today have no valor. No courage of kings. T-shirts? Blue jeans? When I was a young man, we wore bone helmets and horns that proclaimed our kinship with valorous deeds of courage.

Depends Ain't So Damn Dependable

Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair of fresh trousers every time a dog barks or a door slams too loud.

Clinton Written Up By 'Total Bitch' Supervisor

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton once again became the focus of departmental scrutiny Monday when he was written up for the second time in less than a month by his immediate supervisor, presidential second-shift crew manager Diane Helbke. It was the third such incident this pay period for the embattled president.
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United Nations Condemns American Tourist Traps As Inhumane

UNITED NATIONS—In a sternly worded resolution citing "a shameful violation of Americans' basic right to dignity while on vacation," the United Nations Commission On Human Rights condemned the U.S. Monday for its tolerance of tourist traps, calling for an immediate ban on mystery spots, wonder caverns, and fantasy worlds.

U.N. delegates vote unanimously in favor of a resolution condemning the U.S. for tourist-attraction-related atrocities.

"For America's leaders to speak out so forcefully against human-rights abuses in other nations while they permit such atrocities as Wall Drug, Bear Country USA, and Tommy Bartlett's Robot World right in their own country is hypocrisy at its worst," said Aliz al-Ghauri of Egypt, chair of the U.N. human-rights panel. "We implore President Clinton and other American political leaders to do the right thing and dismantle these traps before they can cause any more harm."

The U.N. based its report on evidence of abuse collected by investigators touring the U.S. over a three-year period. On one 200-mile stretch of I-80 alone, the investigators discovered a shocking 845 class-C tourist traps, including six holy lands, 32 giant fiberglass mammals, nine wax museums, three alligator farms and 12 meteor craters.

"The loss of human dignity one suffers at such places cannot be expressed in words," investigator Eduardo Casale, of Chile, said. "No one should have to endure the Foam House Of The Future."

Also factoring heavily into the U.N.'s decision to condemn the U.S. was testimony from many of the victims themselves.

"The Corn Palace sounded incredible, but then when I paid and went inside, all I saw was more corn and a few autographed photos of the Gatlin Brothers," said Pensacola, FL, resident Joseph Theime, appearing before the U.N. commission last month. "I never saw those six dollars again."

Pamphlets for just a few of the thousands of traps discovered by U.N. investigators.

Theime said he was further victimized in the Corn Palace's souvenir shop, where he was brutally stripped of an additional $37.85 through the purchase of T-shirts, postcards, snow globes, refrigerator magnets, miniature statuettes and personalized spoonrests.

Columbus, OH, resident Sarah Deville also testified before the U.N. panel. "I had a bad feeling about exit 14, but the kids kept yelling, 'Kentucky Wigwam Village! Kentucky Wigwam Village!'" Deville said. "How was I to know the kinds of horrifying indignities that awaited us there?"

Deville said that by the time she neared the exit for the Kentucky Wigwam Village, she was unable to avoid stopping, her ability to resist systematically broken down by the village's relentless saturation-billboarding campaign for over 400 miles along I-75.

Roy Trout, head of the Pennsylvania Department of Tourism, was angered by the U.N. condemnation.

"This is unfair, not just to the owners of these businesses, but, more importantly, to the American people," Trout said. "Without such places as ChocolateWorld, ReptileWorld and Roadside America, featuring the world's largest miniature-train village, where will families go during their road trips and summer vacations? Contrary to what the U.N. will have you believe, the American people both need and want these traps."

Members of NO MORE, a San Francisco-based human-rights group that has long opposed the tourist traps, hailed the condemnation as a victory for human rights.

"This is a major step in the right direction, no doubt," NO MORE director Janet Orvis said. "But the fight is not over: There are still a lot of people out there snaring helpless tourists in these sick, cruel traps—and our government knows the name of every single one of them. But as long as the feds get their cut at tax time, they just look the other way and let the atrocities go on."

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