How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News


Universal Studios, Warner Bros. Enter Talks To Reduce Stockpiles Of Unproduced Reboots

If successful, the negotiations could drastically reduce the possibility that a devastating Thelma & Louise remake is unleashed on the world, experts say.
If successful, the negotiations could drastically reduce the possibility that a devastating Thelma & Louise remake is unleashed on the world, experts say.

LOS ANGELES—Conceding the time has come to limit the proliferation of new movies that simply rehash old ones, Universal Studios and Warner Bros. have entered bilateral talks to reduce their considerable stockpiles of unproduced reboots, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Speaking to reporters after the first day of tense negotiations, members of both sides said that while building up enormous arsenals of remakes has long been their top strategic priority, the number of such revamped sci-fi franchises, action films, buddy comedies, and children’s movies now in development has reached levels that represent an existential threat to the medium of film worldwide.

“We recognize that after years of pouring money into the same old material over and over again, we are one misstep away from unleashing something truly awful on our fellow man,” said Universal president Ronald Meyer, explaining that while hundreds upon hundreds of unproduced reboots sit stored in his studio’s vaults, it would only take the release of a single new Hulk film to devastate most of North America. “Should one party ever preemptively unleash an updated Edward Scissorhands, it would almost certainly be met by the deployment of a redone Labyrinth, causing an unstoppable chain reaction of similar retaliations across the entire industry.”

“We must install fail-safes to avoid a doomsday scenario in which the studios launch all their reboots upon the moviegoing public at the same time,” he added.

Universal reportedly made the first diplomatic overtures by proposing remake-limitation talks with Warner executives, who agreed on condition that both studios impose caps on the number of old films they would rerelease in 3D each year. Those close to the negotiations confirmed that Warner Bros. pledged to abandon its planned reboot of Gremlins when Universal provided assurances it would scuttle an upcoming sequel to the 1988 Arnold Schwarzenegger–Danny DeVito comedy Twins.

The two studios also consented to dismantle their large-scale programs for identifying potential prequels, according to reports. In addition, Universal and Warner Bros. agreed to begin the careful destruction of their Spider-Man and Superman franchises, respectively, with all scripts for future installments to be fully eliminated by 2029.

Despite the progress, sources said negotiations stalled for an entire afternoon when Warner representatives refused to back down from their reboot of Mortal Kombat and walked out of the room, vowing they would not cooperate unless Universal immediately committed to pulling its forthcoming adaptation of the video game series Warcraft.

“A successful drawdown of our treatments for hundreds of films based on 1990s box-office hits and well-trodden comic-book properties will require a high degree of mutual trust,” Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara said. “We would certainly be open to utilizing a third party such as the Motion Picture Association of America to ensure that both sides comply with agreed-upon reductions in reboot numbers and to monitor studio lots to verify that teams of screenwriters are not secretly modernizing any preexisting film script.”

Several close calls, most of which have remained hidden from the public, are believed to have provided the impetus for the current round of talks. Anonymous sources cited a particularly disturbing incident in which an erroneous report of an upcoming Tango & Cash reboot from Warner spurred Universal Studios executives to give the order for another live-action Flintstones. Only a last-minute phone call between levelheaded producers from both sides is said to have deescalated the situation.

“The outcome of these talks will have profound repercussions, with strict reboot limits potentially ushering in a more hopeful future for movie enthusiasts worldwide,” said film historian Arthur Spence, who described the power attained by Warner Bros. in 1947 after a team of producers and attorneys working in secret successfully rebooted the studio’s ailing Rin Tin Tin franchise, touching off a decades-long period in which each major Hollywood studios built vast stores of remake scripts. “The reality of the situation is that, at this moment, thousands of these unmade reboots have already been through the first stage of rewrites, are currently being punched up by script doctors, and could be ready to shoot within a few months. It’s absolutely terrifying.”

“These negotiations, however, could greatly reduce the grave threat posed by these unfinished remakes,” he continued. “At long last, it appears these studio heads are finally thinking long and hard about the kind of world they want to leave behind for their children.”

While pleased with the steps taken during the first round of discussions, reports indicate that both sides still remain deeply troubled by rogue studio Lionsgate, which many suspect of secretly developing a fifth Expendables treatment.

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close