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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book

SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old Troy Benton paged through his first fully illustrated book about sharks. "Whoa!" said Benton, who was staring wide-eyed at a photo of a great white shark when time came to a complete standstill, the planets stopped dead in their orbits, and a strange, unknowable force disrupted all of existence and caused a rift in the very fabric of reality. "Up to 20 rows of teeth?" Sources confirmed that earlier this month the universe and all the laws governing it collapsed entirely on occasions coinciding with Benton's discovery of cobras, dinosaurs, and fighter jets.

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