Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book

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Vol 46 Issue 10

Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone.
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Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book

SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old Troy Benton paged through his first fully illustrated book about sharks. "Whoa!" said Benton, who was staring wide-eyed at a photo of a great white shark when time came to a complete standstill, the planets stopped dead in their orbits, and a strange, unknowable force disrupted all of existence and caused a rift in the very fabric of reality. "Up to 20 rows of teeth?" Sources confirmed that earlier this month the universe and all the laws governing it collapsed entirely on occasions coinciding with Benton's discovery of cobras, dinosaurs, and fighter jets.

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