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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book

SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old Troy Benton paged through his first fully illustrated book about sharks. "Whoa!" said Benton, who was staring wide-eyed at a photo of a great white shark when time came to a complete standstill, the planets stopped dead in their orbits, and a strange, unknowable force disrupted all of existence and caused a rift in the very fabric of reality. "Up to 20 rows of teeth?" Sources confirmed that earlier this month the universe and all the laws governing it collapsed entirely on occasions coinciding with Benton's discovery of cobras, dinosaurs, and fighter jets.

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