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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Universe Feels Zero Connection To Guy Tripping On Mushrooms

EUGENE, OR—Noting that it had yet to experience any sort of oneness with the 22-year-old, the universe confirmed Friday that it felt absolutely zero connection to a local man currently tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms. “As far as I can tell, all the boundaries between myself and this guy remain completely intact, so I certainly wouldn’t say that he and I have become one with each other at all,” said the collection of all space and matter, which added that, if anything, it was feeling further removed from the man after he ate two grams of psilocybin mushrooms and spent the ensuing three hours just sitting on his basement couch, during which time he effectively did nothing to interact with the world or universe more broadly. “Frankly, I feel like he and I are as separate and unconnected as we’ve always been. Sure, he seems like a decent person, but have we at some level blended together into a single cosmic entity, flowing through each other and commingling our energies? Definitely not.” At press time, the guy’s mind also confirmed that it was in no way expanding whatsoever.

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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

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