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Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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University Of Illinois Researchers Find Link Between Attending University Of Illinois, Receiving Solid Education At Great Price

URBANA, IL—According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of Illinois, there is a strong correlation between enrolling at the local four-year college and receiving a well-rounded, but moderately priced education. "Our research indicates that the likelihood of getting a solid bang for your academic buck increases dramatically when attending the U of I, located in Urbana-Champaign, just minutes away from beautiful downtown," said chief author Dr. Joseph Mahler, who works extensively in his field and brings years of experience to the classroom. "In all cases, test subjects reported that the price of matriculating at the University of Illinois was nearly as unbeatable as the vaunted Fighting Illini Men's Basketball Squad. Go Illini!" Researchers are currently conducting a new study linking the contribution of alumni funds to the university with a sense of general happiness and well-being.

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