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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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University Of Oregon Debut Controversial Fly-Ridden Duck Flesh Uniforms

EUGENE, OR—Now synonymous with controversial uniforms, the Oregon Ducks reached a new level of contentiousness Saturday when they took the field to play Stanford wearing helmets, jerseys, pants, socks, and shoes made entirely of rotting, feather-strewn duck flesh. “Jesus Christ, the smell and all those goddamn flies,” said Stanford head coach David Shaw, who pleaded with officials to suspend the game when a nauseous Cardinal defense started vomiting on the field, and again when slippery footballs covered in duck blood limited his team’s passing game. “I’ve said before that their uniforms can be overly distracting, but the way the sun glints off those slimy duck entrails wrapped around the waist clearly has to be some kind of violation. Plus I’ve got a halfback receiving stitches from the duck bill that snapped off a tackler’s shoulder pads and lacerated his forearm.” According to NCAA officials, an investigation into Oregon’s controversial uniforms will be conducted as soon as health officials deem the sweaty, festering duck carcasses now strewn in a sopping pile on the floor of the Autzen Stadium locker room safe enough for inspection.

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