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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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University Quickly Slaps Together Rinky-Dink Ceremony For Anyone Graduating In December

WHITEWATER, WI—Saying they hoped to keep the two-bit commencement under an hour in length, administrators at the University of Wisconsin–Whitewater announced Monday that they were quickly slapping together a rinky-dink ceremony for anyone graduating in December. “We just need to shit something out as fast as possible so students can get their diplomas,” said assistant dean Anita Barlow, adding that she would print out copies of a regular 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of paper with all the names of the graduates on it and call it a program. “We already booked a small classroom on a Wednesday evening two weeks from now, and we’ll have the vice chancellor or someone show up to the piddling little festivities. There won’t be any caps or gowns or anything, but we’re asking for people not to wear jeans—though really, who cares?” Barlow confirmed that the general manager from Fox News 6 in Milwaukee would deliver the commencement address.

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