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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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University Quickly Slaps Together Rinky-Dink Ceremony For Anyone Graduating In December

WHITEWATER, WI—Saying they hoped to keep the two-bit commencement under an hour in length, administrators at the University of Wisconsin–Whitewater announced Monday that they were quickly slapping together a rinky-dink ceremony for anyone graduating in December. “We just need to shit something out as fast as possible so students can get their diplomas,” said assistant dean Anita Barlow, adding that she would print out copies of a regular 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of paper with all the names of the graduates on it and call it a program. “We already booked a small classroom on a Wednesday evening two weeks from now, and we’ll have the vice chancellor or someone show up to the piddling little festivities. There won’t be any caps or gowns or anything, but we’re asking for people not to wear jeans—though really, who cares?” Barlow confirmed that the general manager from Fox News 6 in Milwaukee would deliver the commencement address.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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