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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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University Quickly Slaps Together Rinky-Dink Ceremony For Anyone Graduating In December

WHITEWATER, WI—Saying they hoped to keep the two-bit commencement under an hour in length, administrators at the University of Wisconsin–Whitewater announced Monday that they were quickly slapping together a rinky-dink ceremony for anyone graduating in December. “We just need to shit something out as fast as possible so students can get their diplomas,” said assistant dean Anita Barlow, adding that she would print out copies of a regular 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of paper with all the names of the graduates on it and call it a program. “We already booked a small classroom on a Wednesday evening two weeks from now, and we’ll have the vice chancellor or someone show up to the piddling little festivities. There won’t be any caps or gowns or anything, but we’re asking for people not to wear jeans—though really, who cares?” Barlow confirmed that the general manager from Fox News 6 in Milwaukee would deliver the commencement address.

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