Unkempt Japanese Man Must Be Some Sort Of Artist Or Something

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Vol 36 Issue 45

Direct Marketer Offended By Term 'Junk Mail'

SPOKANE, WA– Dan Spengler, CEO of the direct-mail-marketing firm Mailbox Of Savings, took umbrage Monday at the use of the term "junk mail." "I'm sorry, but we didn't earn receipts in excess of $8 million last year by filling people's mailboxes with 'junk,'" Spengler told the offending party. "How else will potential customers know about bargains like 500 mailing labels for $8.95 or 10 percent off framing at The Great Frame-Up if not by direct mail?" Added Spengler: "It's not like my company calls people at home like telemarketers. Everyone hates that."

Area Man Glad His Brother Is Giving Mom Grandkids

ROME, GA– Area resident Larry Spoerl was thrilled to learn Monday that his brother's wife is pregnant, temporarily relieving him of the pressure to produce grandchildren for his mother. "That's the most wonderful news I've heard in ages," the 31-year-old Spoerl told brother Marc. "Now I can get through Christmas without the whole so- are- you- dating- anyone- how- serious- is- it- does- she- want- a- family interrogation." Despite his momentary elation, Spoerl said his brother's expected child "only buys me a year or two at best."

Plastic Bag Still Up In Tree

BOISE, ID– Employees at Boise Mutual Insurance reported Monday that the red plastic shopping bag they first noticed Dec. 8 is still ensnared in the upper branches of a tree outside their workplace. "Well I'll be–the darn thing is still up there," payroll secretary Barb Weicherle said. "I really thought this weekend's gusts would have blown it out." Office manager Paul Probert was equally surprised, saying, "Son of a gun. It's still there."

Naïve Detective Suspects Fair Play

CHICAGO– Phil Kelly, a naïve detective with Chicago's 15th Precinct, suspected fair play Monday in the shooting death of local businessman Arnold Haver. "The shocked expression on the victim's face leads me to believe that he received some tragic news and subsequently committed suicide," Kelly said. "The fact that the bullet hole entered through his back shows just how determined he was to kill himself." Kelly also cited the misspelling of Haver's name in the suicide note and the fact that the left-handed victim was found with the gun in his right hand as evidence of the incredible stress he was under before taking his own life.

Is Oral Sex Sex?

According to a recent USA Today cover story, oral sex is sharply on the rise among teenagers, many of whom do not consider it a form of sex. What do you think?

A Walk In The Woods

Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is carrying me down-stairs and across the main foyer. This is the season of the Yule-tide, is it not? Perhaps he is taking me to the parlor so that we may open our gifts. I do hope I finally got the shawl I always ask for but never seem to get...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Unkempt Japanese Man Must Be Some Sort Of Artist Or Something

PITTSBURGH– After passing a haggard-looking Japanese man on the street Monday, area resident Gary Webber concluded that the guy must be some sort of artist or poet or something. "Normally, you see a guy dressed in a dirty, ripped coat with his hair all scruffed up, you figure he's just poor. But this guy was Japanese," Webber said. "I bet he's in town to do some kind of art opening. Or maybe a book signing. Whoever he is, he's got to be somebody."

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