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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge Of International Prominence

BEREA, KY—After a lifetime of anonymity, Charles Wayne Knox, a gun-wielding 33-year-old standing in the parking lot of a Berea Hardee's, is at long last poised on the brink of international fame.

The soon-to-be-famous Charles Wayne Knox.

"By this time tomorrow, everyone will know who I am," said the unemployed Berea native, surveying the Hardee's restaurant and surrounding area one last time. "From Australia to Austria, people all over the world will be reading and talking about Charles Wayne Knox."

According to media insiders, with his 9mm Taurus automatic pistol and two extra 10-shot clips, Knox—who has never done anything noteworthy in his life, with the possible exception of a 1983 fifth-highest score on a pizzeria's Sinistar video game—has the potential to be a worldwide household name just hours from now.

"All signs point to major renown for Charles Wayne Knox," CNN Headline News producer George Petrakis said. "He's got the drive. He's got the ammo. And his timing couldn't be better: The 12 p.m. lunch rush should guarantee an extra-large crowd, which will likely be full of dozens of students from the nearby junior-high school. Everyone here at CNN thinks this guy is going to be huge."

According to NBC Nightly News executive producer Jim Kannell, network coverage of Charles Wayne Knox-related issues will increase dramatically over the next few days.

"Expect to see a great many more stories about Charles Wayne Knox in the near future," Kannell said. "Look for everything from probing, in-depth looks at his troubled year in the Marines to exclusive interviews with his parents, Gordon and Ethel Knox, whose 1977 divorce shattered the shy, awkward boy who dreamed of one day becoming a pilot."

"If things go right in that Hardee's," USA Today managing editor Bryant Reynolds said, "Charles Wayne Knox could be bigger than the guy in that Scottish elementary school a few years back. We're talking big."

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