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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
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Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge Of International Prominence

BEREA, KY—After a lifetime of anonymity, Charles Wayne Knox, a gun-wielding 33-year-old standing in the parking lot of a Berea Hardee's, is at long last poised on the brink of international fame.

The soon-to-be-famous Charles Wayne Knox.

"By this time tomorrow, everyone will know who I am," said the unemployed Berea native, surveying the Hardee's restaurant and surrounding area one last time. "From Australia to Austria, people all over the world will be reading and talking about Charles Wayne Knox."

According to media insiders, with his 9mm Taurus automatic pistol and two extra 10-shot clips, Knox—who has never done anything noteworthy in his life, with the possible exception of a 1983 fifth-highest score on a pizzeria's Sinistar video game—has the potential to be a worldwide household name just hours from now.

"All signs point to major renown for Charles Wayne Knox," CNN Headline News producer George Petrakis said. "He's got the drive. He's got the ammo. And his timing couldn't be better: The 12 p.m. lunch rush should guarantee an extra-large crowd, which will likely be full of dozens of students from the nearby junior-high school. Everyone here at CNN thinks this guy is going to be huge."

According to NBC Nightly News executive producer Jim Kannell, network coverage of Charles Wayne Knox-related issues will increase dramatically over the next few days.

"Expect to see a great many more stories about Charles Wayne Knox in the near future," Kannell said. "Look for everything from probing, in-depth looks at his troubled year in the Marines to exclusive interviews with his parents, Gordon and Ethel Knox, whose 1977 divorce shattered the shy, awkward boy who dreamed of one day becoming a pilot."

"If things go right in that Hardee's," USA Today managing editor Bryant Reynolds said, "Charles Wayne Knox could be bigger than the guy in that Scottish elementary school a few years back. We're talking big."

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