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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Unnerving Adidas Commercial Just Features Derrick Rose Sitting

CHICAGO—Striking a different tone from previous ads for the sportswear company, a disturbing new Adidas commercial features Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose just sitting still in a dimmed arena, sources confirmed Friday. The unsettling 30-second spot reportedly begins with a wide shot of a basketball arena before slowly zooming in on Rose, totally motionless, sitting courtside and staring at the camera with a blank expression on his face. Viewers noted that at one point the 25-year-old star seems to grimace slightly, and confirmed that the commercial ends with an extreme close-up on Rose, who closes his eyes just before a cut to a black screen displaying a white Adidas logo and the text “#drose2015.”

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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