Unpopped Kernels Costing U.S. Billions

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Unpopped Kernels Costing U.S. Billions

SIOUX CITY, IA—The singed, partially opened, and otherwise unpopped kernels at the bottom of U.S. snack bowls are costing Americans an average of $18 billion every year, FDA sources reported Tuesday. "The typical pound of popping corn results in an average of 35 'dead' kernels," FDA deputy commissioner Lester M. Crawford said before Congress. "Considering the costs of growing, processing, and packaging these kernels, and the heat energy expended in fruitless endeavors to pop them, it's an epic level of waste." Crawford asked Congress to double funding for the FDA's $200 million old-maid-elimination research project.

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