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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Unpopular High-Schoolers Downplay Significance Of Prom

DOVER, DE—With Dover Central High School's May 11 prom fast approaching, unpopular seniors Kenneth Edmonds, 17, and James Montauk, 18, are actively downplaying the significance of the dance. "I feel sorry for those kids who have to dress up in those monkey suits all night," said Edmonds, a top-notch science student who plans to attend Cornell University in the fall. "They won't have any idea how dumb they look." Montauk, who dismissed the event as "stupid and lame," plans to spend prom night participating in an on-line Duke Nukem 3D tournament.

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