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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Unpopular Student Ridiculed Mercilessly In Teacher's Lounge

KNOXVILLE, TN–Doug Durbin, an overweight, unpopular seventh-grader at Lakeview Middle School, was mercilessly mocked Tuesday by faculty members in the teachers' lounge. "None of the kids want to sit near Doug Durbin in class because he sweats so bad and has pit stains on all his shirts," math teacher Ron Grady told a group of his colleagues. "Isn't that so disgusting?" Added science teacher Andrew Klass: "I feel so bad for Coach [Bernie] Nichols. He has to actually watch Doug run around in shorts twice a week in gym class. Bernie told me that last week, Doug cried when he got hit in the stomach during dodgeball. What a loser."

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