Unprecedented Ass Expansion Threatens Area Pantsuit

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Vol 30 Issue 18

Mit Think-Tank Develops 20 Great Gift Ideas

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Twelve math and science professors at a Massachusetts Institute of Technology think-tank announced their latest brainstorming success Monday: twenty great holiday gift ideas for the co-worker or loved one who seems to have everything. "We dedicated ourselves to solving this most universal of problems," said team leader and biochemistry professor Charles J. Chang, "and we are proud to say we have come up with 20 great solutions." Among the ideas: a T-shirt reading, "It's Not a Beer Gut, It's a Gas Tank For a Sex Machine," available at Spencer Gifts; a hand-held electronic golf game from The Sharper Image; and a Corvette-shaped videotape rewinder from the Suncoast Motion Picture Company. "You can rewind your tapes in it," said team member Dr. Phillip Wasserstein. "Most people rewind them in their VCRs, but if you have one of these, you won't have to."

Area Stand-Up Comedian Questions The Deal With Drive-Thru Windows

ROYAL OAK, MI—In a stand-up routine delivered Saturday at the Laff Factory, stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli questioned the deal with drive-thru windows at fast-food restaurants. "What's the deal with that box you talk into?" inquired Campanelli. "It's like, 'HOOWARGA DOOMA DOOMA UBBAGUBBA OWOP OOWAARGH!' Am I right?" Campanelli went on to suggest that an intentionally unintelligible reply would be an amusing and appropriate response from a customer in such a situation, but continued to wonder as to the deal. Campanelli will repeat his line of inquiry next Friday and Saturday at 8:30 and 11 p.m. The 37-year-old comedian has questioned other deals in the past, including the deal with those little umbrellas that come in tropical drinks and the deal with the way women go to the bathroom in pairs, as if they are talking about some sort of top-secret woman thing in there or something.

Shareware Fee Paid

SAN FRANCISCO—The international computing community was stunned Monday following the announcement that San Francisco-area computer user Jeffrey Schaeffer had paid the requested $10 fee for the shareware puzzle game CubeMania. "I enjoyed the game," Schaeffer told reporters. "And since I am keeping it on my hard drive, it is my responsibility to pay the fee." By paying the $10, Schaeffer will receive free technical support for CubeMania and upgrades when they become available. Schaeffer also recently wrote the NFL for express written consent before watching a videotape of last year's Super Bowl with several friends.

People Don't Like To Look At Me In Traffic

In this world, some people are takers and some people are givers. Me, I'm a giver. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I like to contribute to the well-being of my fellow man, because Lord only knows how much longer we'll be stranded together on this crazy rock.

Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time

Jingle your bells over to the bijou, because it is now the holiday season that is the season when we have Christmas and the other holidays that so many families enjoy while spending time together in reverence and watching movies on the Silver Screen.

Rising Cable Rates

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?

Here Is Some Pornography For You

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.
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Unprecedented Ass Expansion Threatens Area Pantsuit

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—Preservationists throughout the nation are expressing alarm at what they call an "unprecedented" rate of ass expansion within the confines of a New Rochelle-area pantsuit.

The ass.

According to a study released Monday by the activist group PantsWatch, the pantsuit, a Jaclyn Smith-brand outfit purchased in 1992, could suffer irreparable damage within the next six months if the ass expansion were to continue unchecked.

"The current ass expansion rate is nearly double that of last year. Containment of the emergent assosphere is becoming less and less viable," PantsWatch's Brent Klarman said. "This ass must not be allowed to destroy vital stitching. We can not idly stand by and allow this ass to continue its relentless growth beyond the already-allocated fabric zone."

Among the study's alarming claims are a 40 percent increase in seam stress, a 23 percent rise in chafing and bunching, and a devastating 48 percent drop in pocket space resulting from excessive ass increase.

"At the current rate of ass expansion, fabric integrity will likely be breached by September 1997," the report concluded. "This is ass mass acceleration of astronomic, catastrophic proportions."

"Proper ass containment requires a careful balance between ass-space allocation and pants availability," said Greg Hemming, a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Trouser and Legwear Conservation. "Once that balance is shifted, an ass can cause irreparable damage to its environment, taxing a pantsuit's stitching, elastic band and fit beyond its capacity to adapt. In some cases, when a pantsuit's resources are strained past the limits of feasibility, it can no longer accommodate the increased pressures of the changing ass. In a worst-case scenario, riding, binding and severe seam rippage can be the result."

Hemming also warned that once an ass breaks free of the confines of its enclosure, there is often no stopping it.

According to conservationists, making matters worse is the rare nature of the pantsuit.

"This is a four-year-old pantsuit, so it is unlikely that it would be replaceable should it burst," said Pat Wallingford of the activist group Asspeace. "If these pants become no longer viable as a clothing option, the owner will most likely have to supplement her wardrobe with a more contemporary design. And this rare pantsuit will be lost forever, gone the way of the passenger pigeon."

Making matters worse, Wallingford said, is the fact that many laws mandating ass containment measures are in danger of being repealed due to pressure from powerful pro-ass lobby groups, including AssNow! and Asslamic fundamentalists.

"These groups aren't concerned about preserving the nation's pantsuits for our children," Wallingford said. "All they care about is profits and ass expansion at any cost."

The pantsuit, which was recently placed on "protected" status, faces its most serious crisis since Thanksgiving weekend 1994, when rescue workers were rushed in for an emergency button-opening procedure.

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