Unprecedented Ass Expansion Threatens Area Pantsuit

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

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MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

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YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

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MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

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SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Unprecedented Ass Expansion Threatens Area Pantsuit

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—Preservationists throughout the nation are expressing alarm at what they call an "unprecedented" rate of ass expansion within the confines of a New Rochelle-area pantsuit.

The ass.

According to a study released Monday by the activist group PantsWatch, the pantsuit, a Jaclyn Smith-brand outfit purchased in 1992, could suffer irreparable damage within the next six months if the ass expansion were to continue unchecked.

"The current ass expansion rate is nearly double that of last year. Containment of the emergent assosphere is becoming less and less viable," PantsWatch's Brent Klarman said. "This ass must not be allowed to destroy vital stitching. We can not idly stand by and allow this ass to continue its relentless growth beyond the already-allocated fabric zone."

Among the study's alarming claims are a 40 percent increase in seam stress, a 23 percent rise in chafing and bunching, and a devastating 48 percent drop in pocket space resulting from excessive ass increase.

"At the current rate of ass expansion, fabric integrity will likely be breached by September 1997," the report concluded. "This is ass mass acceleration of astronomic, catastrophic proportions."

"Proper ass containment requires a careful balance between ass-space allocation and pants availability," said Greg Hemming, a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Trouser and Legwear Conservation. "Once that balance is shifted, an ass can cause irreparable damage to its environment, taxing a pantsuit's stitching, elastic band and fit beyond its capacity to adapt. In some cases, when a pantsuit's resources are strained past the limits of feasibility, it can no longer accommodate the increased pressures of the changing ass. In a worst-case scenario, riding, binding and severe seam rippage can be the result."

Hemming also warned that once an ass breaks free of the confines of its enclosure, there is often no stopping it.

According to conservationists, making matters worse is the rare nature of the pantsuit.

"This is a four-year-old pantsuit, so it is unlikely that it would be replaceable should it burst," said Pat Wallingford of the activist group Asspeace. "If these pants become no longer viable as a clothing option, the owner will most likely have to supplement her wardrobe with a more contemporary design. And this rare pantsuit will be lost forever, gone the way of the passenger pigeon."

Making matters worse, Wallingford said, is the fact that many laws mandating ass containment measures are in danger of being repealed due to pressure from powerful pro-ass lobby groups, including AssNow! and Asslamic fundamentalists.

"These groups aren't concerned about preserving the nation's pantsuits for our children," Wallingford said. "All they care about is profits and ass expansion at any cost."

The pantsuit, which was recently placed on "protected" status, faces its most serious crisis since Thanksgiving weekend 1994, when rescue workers were rushed in for an emergency button-opening procedure.

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