Unprecedented Ass Expansion Threatens Area Pantsuit

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Unprecedented Ass Expansion Threatens Area Pantsuit

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—Preservationists throughout the nation are expressing alarm at what they call an "unprecedented" rate of ass expansion within the confines of a New Rochelle-area pantsuit.

The ass.

According to a study released Monday by the activist group PantsWatch, the pantsuit, a Jaclyn Smith-brand outfit purchased in 1992, could suffer irreparable damage within the next six months if the ass expansion were to continue unchecked.

"The current ass expansion rate is nearly double that of last year. Containment of the emergent assosphere is becoming less and less viable," PantsWatch's Brent Klarman said. "This ass must not be allowed to destroy vital stitching. We can not idly stand by and allow this ass to continue its relentless growth beyond the already-allocated fabric zone."

Among the study's alarming claims are a 40 percent increase in seam stress, a 23 percent rise in chafing and bunching, and a devastating 48 percent drop in pocket space resulting from excessive ass increase.

"At the current rate of ass expansion, fabric integrity will likely be breached by September 1997," the report concluded. "This is ass mass acceleration of astronomic, catastrophic proportions."

"Proper ass containment requires a careful balance between ass-space allocation and pants availability," said Greg Hemming, a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Trouser and Legwear Conservation. "Once that balance is shifted, an ass can cause irreparable damage to its environment, taxing a pantsuit's stitching, elastic band and fit beyond its capacity to adapt. In some cases, when a pantsuit's resources are strained past the limits of feasibility, it can no longer accommodate the increased pressures of the changing ass. In a worst-case scenario, riding, binding and severe seam rippage can be the result."

Hemming also warned that once an ass breaks free of the confines of its enclosure, there is often no stopping it.

According to conservationists, making matters worse is the rare nature of the pantsuit.

"This is a four-year-old pantsuit, so it is unlikely that it would be replaceable should it burst," said Pat Wallingford of the activist group Asspeace. "If these pants become no longer viable as a clothing option, the owner will most likely have to supplement her wardrobe with a more contemporary design. And this rare pantsuit will be lost forever, gone the way of the passenger pigeon."

Making matters worse, Wallingford said, is the fact that many laws mandating ass containment measures are in danger of being repealed due to pressure from powerful pro-ass lobby groups, including AssNow! and Asslamic fundamentalists.

"These groups aren't concerned about preserving the nation's pantsuits for our children," Wallingford said. "All they care about is profits and ass expansion at any cost."

The pantsuit, which was recently placed on "protected" status, faces its most serious crisis since Thanksgiving weekend 1994, when rescue workers were rushed in for an emergency button-opening procedure.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close